it's been a year since my "thankful for" blogs. well, i guess towards the end of each year, one can't help but recall everything that happened, think about what's happening, and look forward to what's bound to happen.
in 2009...
...i turned 20 and was very apprehensive about turning 20. i felt like it wasn't the right time yet to get out of the teenagers' club because i haven't grown up enough. but then, what the hell. age is just a number. i can turn 20 and act like i'm 20, but that doesn't mean that the little girl that i've always been should disappear. who says what's mature and immature anyway? i can do whatever i want. i WILL do whatever i want.
...i was part of Bare as assistant musical director. god knows how tough that was, when there were times i had to do things on my own. a year later, i'm part of Zanna Don't as a cast member and co-musical director. i still need help from time to time, but i'd like to believe i'm not that brainless novice anymore.
...i became artistic director of blueREP. honestly, i don't think i've been doing much. i just hope that i have been getting work done.
...i was baptized into blueREP ushers, inc. from spelling bee, to spelling bee again, to spring awakening, to spelling bee again again. you can tell someone's having fun when after being a novice during the 1st spelling bee run, someone suddenly becomes in charge of the whole thing.
...i DID NOT go to the beach, hence the pale skin.
...i got the h1n1 virus. for a moment there, i felt so cool. i was just in a core meeting one night wherein 3 people had cough and colds. by the end of that meeting, i was already coughing, then i got a really really high fever the following day. when i went to school and h1n1 was the "in" thing, i was given a mask (that i didn't want to wear because it was really HOT in school and the mask just made me feel more uncomfortable) then was told that the ultra high fever i just had was h1n1. until now, knowing that i had h1n1 makes me feel so cool.
...i became musical director of Tick, Tick... Boom! which by far is one of the most philosophical shows i've ever encountered. i bow to you, jonathan larson. and i hope that in my own little way, i gave justice to the music that you made. i also hope that that show was able to make a difference.
...i was supposed to go to RCBC for spring awakening when ondoy happened. due to the power failure, i didn't know it was THAT bad. i then spent the following week doing volunteer work in ateneo with the bluereppers and bluerep friends. i felt good that i got to help and that we got deployed (thank you, alpha one), but i felt bad when i saw how much plastic there was in the covered courts. i hope those people who got the relief goods didn't just throw those plastic bags wherever they felt like throwing.
...i watched The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee 33 times. yes, 33. 33. that's 31 shows and 2 tdr's wherein i was a guinea pig guest speller. what i like about that show is that it doesn't get tiring, no matter how many times i've seen it. towards the end i started to get bored after all guest spellers have been eliminated. however, like i learned in theatre history class, when trapped in time and space, man amuses himself (theatre of the absurd, yes). there were shows when i'd observe only ONE character to study the nuances they have, how those little things contribute to the show as a whole, relationships between characters (ie chip and leaf), among other things. i'm happy that i learned something new every show, up until the last one. beautiful material.
...i watched Spring Awakening 9 times. the story is such a downer, it was like watching Bare - suicidal thoughts after every show. or like, going home in SILENCE, just thinking, thinking, thinking.
...i built ties with people i didn't really talk to before. from deadma to little hi-hello's to actual conversations. baby steps.
...i had doubts that our major production this year will fly. god knows how hard it was to search for the perfect directors, when people had shows, rehearsals, didn't like the material, whatever. a week before the scheduled audition date, we found the perfect pair. the schedule may be a bit unpredictable, but i'm confident that things will turn out great because they have so much passion (WHATEVER THAT MEANS. hahahaha) and they're very much driven to make the show legendary. for more, they're really making an effort to get to know us individually. i'm really thankful that after so long, i'm really, really looking forward to every rehearsal because i know that it's going to make me feel so much better. it's been a while since i've been this happy :D
*uhm, why am i getting teary-eyed? mapapagtripan na naman ako nyan eh!*
...i became a ditz. DSS. what? what? i found people who can accept my ditzy side. maarte din ako, so anong magagawa natin? it's also with these people that i can fangirl, share my little daydreams, share my big dreams, it's with them that i can share. no judgments.
...i got drunk. many times. what's new?
...i celebrated the last few days of the year with people who mean a lot to me.
...i partied with blueREP. even if i see most of them almost everyday, celebrating christmas with them is still extra special. with them, going crazy is second nature (or is it first?)
...i celebrated christmas with my family, of course. i remember ranting to my sister a few years back that christmas day has become such a huge gathering. as in, a lot of people i didn't know would drop by and the attention of our family was greatly divided. i wanted my share of time with the family. at the time i wished it would go back to how things were - just our family gathered in the dining room in filinvest 1, exchanging gifts after eating glorious food. it came at a price, but i did get it.
...i also went to an intimate gathering with my blockmates. being a shiftee, i felt that i've been out of the loop for so long. actually, since becoming a bluerepper, i've been an absentee blockmate. i hope i get to spend more time with them. i hope i get to clone myself so i get to spend time with as many people as i want.
...i went on a spontaneous dinner thing with celine and ange. it was just the other day, and it was all thanks to facebook. celine just made a status about missing our high school class, then i replied, then ange replied. moments later, we found ourselves in serendra, dinnering, talking, etc. it felt like we just needed to see one another so badly. i have to admit, i needed that night.
there may be things that i've forgotten. there may be things that are too private for me to share in here. right now, i'm just happy that they all happened and that i grew even just a bit from all of them. i don't know the real reason, but it makes me teary-eyed to look back at the year that was. maybe i'm just thankful that they all happened. i'm thankful for each person who made my 2009 worth every heartbeat.
i look forward to 2010. i want to see new places, meet new people, build more relationships. i look forward to more growth in 2010, both in the inner me and (HOPEFULLY. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE) the outer.
happy new year!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
time to hit the hay after working hard all day.
i can't wait for this week to be over. actually, i just can't wait for friday to arrive. tomorrow is going to be ultra jampacked, just thinking about it makes me hurl.
it's only the third night of music rehearsal and god knows how tired i am already. the first day was such a chaotic environment that we were given just an hour and a half, so we finished just 1 song. last night, we had 3 hours but finished just 3 songs. tonight i chose an ultra easy song so i had time to clean some others, and started a new song (in which i will be needing help. HELP!). i hope those leads study their solos already so that it's easy na to clean.
THOSE COUNTERPOINTS ARE DEADLY.
maybe yesterday was such an off day. you know, like, there are some days when it's all happy rainbows and cheerful bears all around. yesterday was gloomy and depressing, i can't quite figure it out.
i think i already am more than confident about bluerep doing Zanna, Don't! this season. it now makes so much sense.
we discussed judgment in philo class. sir jope was saying something about the grounds for concubinage according to philippine law. he said the guy should have already brought the concubine to his home, the relationship should be scandalous, and another one (i forget) in order to file charges. adultery is charged, however, upon seeing a married woman with another man.
i then asked, what about the homosexuals? like, what if i have a relationship with a girl then i have a one night stand with another girl, am i going against the law? he then said no. there aren't any provisions for homosexual cases. i jokingly replied "eh di magmamahal na lang ako ng babae. mas safe pala eh".
he then said that there aren't any provisions regarding homosexuals because we are in the philippines. he said that in a country like ours, there is no other gender aside from the male and the female. meaning, they're NOTHING and that they have no place in here. after all, it hasn't been a month since the comelec called the ladlad partylist immoral. ladlad was the only way that they could be represented in the legislature. imagine, out of the 268 members of the congress, there isn't even just one person to represent the lgbt community?!
i observed the change in my classmates' reactions. at first we were laughing at my comment about preferring to just love a woman to be safe. the next moment, we all fell silent. by the end of sir's explanation, i was holding back my tears, and i just didn't stop thinking about it even after class. HOW COULD THEY BE NOTHING? HOW? a lot of the people i know are gay and i honestly don't know what i'd be without them. i don't get it, and i don't think there is a reasonable explanation for them to be nothing.
i cannot be more disgusted at the kind of world i'm in.
i hope people get to watch Zanna Don't, and i hope our message gets across. right now, all i want to do is empower. nevermind that i sound idealistic - I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD. everyone deserves to be represented, protected and accepted.
we're gonna gostraight right to heaven. there is a difference.
guys can love guys, girls can love girls, guys can love girls, girls can love guys. WHATEVER. if it feels right, then it most probably is.
it's only the third night of music rehearsal and god knows how tired i am already. the first day was such a chaotic environment that we were given just an hour and a half, so we finished just 1 song. last night, we had 3 hours but finished just 3 songs. tonight i chose an ultra easy song so i had time to clean some others, and started a new song (in which i will be needing help. HELP!). i hope those leads study their solos already so that it's easy na to clean.
THOSE COUNTERPOINTS ARE DEADLY.
maybe yesterday was such an off day. you know, like, there are some days when it's all happy rainbows and cheerful bears all around. yesterday was gloomy and depressing, i can't quite figure it out.
i think i already am more than confident about bluerep doing Zanna, Don't! this season. it now makes so much sense.
we discussed judgment in philo class. sir jope was saying something about the grounds for concubinage according to philippine law. he said the guy should have already brought the concubine to his home, the relationship should be scandalous, and another one (i forget) in order to file charges. adultery is charged, however, upon seeing a married woman with another man.
i then asked, what about the homosexuals? like, what if i have a relationship with a girl then i have a one night stand with another girl, am i going against the law? he then said no. there aren't any provisions for homosexual cases. i jokingly replied "eh di magmamahal na lang ako ng babae. mas safe pala eh".
he then said that there aren't any provisions regarding homosexuals because we are in the philippines. he said that in a country like ours, there is no other gender aside from the male and the female. meaning, they're NOTHING and that they have no place in here. after all, it hasn't been a month since the comelec called the ladlad partylist immoral. ladlad was the only way that they could be represented in the legislature. imagine, out of the 268 members of the congress, there isn't even just one person to represent the lgbt community?!
i observed the change in my classmates' reactions. at first we were laughing at my comment about preferring to just love a woman to be safe. the next moment, we all fell silent. by the end of sir's explanation, i was holding back my tears, and i just didn't stop thinking about it even after class. HOW COULD THEY BE NOTHING? HOW? a lot of the people i know are gay and i honestly don't know what i'd be without them. i don't get it, and i don't think there is a reasonable explanation for them to be nothing.
i cannot be more disgusted at the kind of world i'm in.
i hope people get to watch Zanna Don't, and i hope our message gets across. right now, all i want to do is empower. nevermind that i sound idealistic - I WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD. everyone deserves to be represented, protected and accepted.
we're gonna go
guys can love guys, girls can love girls, guys can love girls, girls can love guys. WHATEVER. if it feels right, then it most probably is.
Monday, November 16, 2009
it's time.
i placed my tuition receipt somewhere SO SAFE, i forgot where it is. CRAP. OC skills wearing down. or maybe it has been caused by an unknown entity rearranging the things on my bed. i can tell. it's not the arrangement i had prior to leaving the house.
hmm. maybe i should put those things in my planner. those important locations and all.
the past weeks i've been very apprehensive of the things to come (in no particular order)
1. zanna don't
2. directing class
3. theology
4. philosophy
5. breakups and breakdowns
i don't know if i can handle all those at the same time. i only have 15 units this sem, but i can tell that my directing class is going to consume time, especially since i'm sort of a perfectionist. i'm going to need every minute.
i know na my plans regarding zanna don't and b&b. i hope it's plan A. but yeah, i have plan B and C. if needed, i can come up with plan D as well.
on the way home from toff's party (on the way home meaning 5:30am hahaha), i was with geru, but we were both silent. on my end i was thinking of all the things i have to do, and whether or not i am prepared. before school started i was semi-freaking out. i kept asking if i can handle it. i don't know if it was still the alcohol in my system that was giving birth to all those thoughts, but i felt that oh my god, I'M READY.
i hope that feeling lasts... til march.
bring it on :D
hmm. maybe i should put those things in my planner. those important locations and all.
the past weeks i've been very apprehensive of the things to come (in no particular order)
1. zanna don't
2. directing class
3. theology
4. philosophy
5. breakups and breakdowns
i don't know if i can handle all those at the same time. i only have 15 units this sem, but i can tell that my directing class is going to consume time, especially since i'm sort of a perfectionist. i'm going to need every minute.
i know na my plans regarding zanna don't and b&b. i hope it's plan A. but yeah, i have plan B and C. if needed, i can come up with plan D as well.
on the way home from toff's party (on the way home meaning 5:30am hahaha), i was with geru, but we were both silent. on my end i was thinking of all the things i have to do, and whether or not i am prepared. before school started i was semi-freaking out. i kept asking if i can handle it. i don't know if it was still the alcohol in my system that was giving birth to all those thoughts, but i felt that oh my god, I'M READY.
i hope that feeling lasts... til march.
bring it on :D
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
catch and throw
1. can i just say? it's going to be hard to adjust to FA102 class. missy is so perky, and i'm definitely NOT a morning person. we're required to watch SPIT next week though. yay! and we get to go on a celdran tour in january! yay! but yeah. not in the morning, please.
2. HOLY CRAPAUD. theology scares me. it's only been orientation but omg. omg. omg. such a chip on my shoulder. BIGGER than a boulder hahaha. oh nooooo. pauline, hindi ka rin naman gaga. may challenge ka pang nalalaman. what the hell. i am SO scared.
3. it was such a long wait. i swear i have to have my voice lesson rescheduled. 11:30am-5pm? omg. whatta wait.
4. however, today's lesson went well. i like how in that little room i give and get so much. it was weird though that we worked on volume. i hate myself. when i know that the people around are better than me, i tend to minimize volume. i liked it towards the end though. i got past the whole volume issue and just let go. i went on to analyzing text as i was singing so it was like i put more heart. it felt nice.
5. HAD I KNOWN, THEN I WOULD HAVE POURED ALL THAT EMOTIONAL MISHMASH WHEN I SANG TODAY! THANK YOU.
I put my faith in love
I followed where it led
To my personal circle of Hell
HAY NAKO.
2. HOLY CRAPAUD. theology scares me. it's only been orientation but omg. omg. omg. such a chip on my shoulder. BIGGER than a boulder hahaha. oh nooooo. pauline, hindi ka rin naman gaga. may challenge ka pang nalalaman. what the hell. i am SO scared.
3. it was such a long wait. i swear i have to have my voice lesson rescheduled. 11:30am-5pm? omg. whatta wait.
4. however, today's lesson went well. i like how in that little room i give and get so much. it was weird though that we worked on volume. i hate myself. when i know that the people around are better than me, i tend to minimize volume. i liked it towards the end though. i got past the whole volume issue and just let go. i went on to analyzing text as i was singing so it was like i put more heart. it felt nice.
5. HAD I KNOWN, THEN I WOULD HAVE POURED ALL THAT EMOTIONAL MISHMASH WHEN I SANG TODAY! THANK YOU.
I put my faith in love
I followed where it led
To my personal circle of Hell
HAY NAKO.
Friday, October 30, 2009
i will be a student.
i don't get why the freshmen are so stressed over their enlistment when all their subjects are pre-enlisted, save for PE. labo. i swear. ang labo. PE lang yan. hello, i remember taking soccer, then aerobics for PE in 1st year, then basketball and tai chi in 2nd year. puta, basketball and pauline don't mix. hindi talaga. tai chi was fun, in fairness. i mean, if it weren't so early in the morning i wouldn't hate it as much.
i saw a comment in some facebook album: ang galing, same time and venue pa rin yung english12 and lit14 classes natin. UHM! malamang! :))
oh, being a freshman.
5 semesters later...
it's magical how my philo class is still the same time and venue. HEH.
i've gone on to better things, better jobs (no bigger rings. single pa rin ako eh). so much has happened already and i can't really say i've become so much better, but i'll get there. wait lang.
oh, btw, my B in philo was highly unexpected. i love philo and the whole time i wasn't expecting anything above a C because usually that's how those subjects are. to think i had 5 cuts (but i sat in hoping to make up for them) and my repetitios were nasty. it's such a happy thought that i'm treated well by (some) things that i'm passionate about. thanks, sir jope!
this sem:
1. BRACE THYSELF means two different things: i imagine fr. dacanay telling me to brace myself because... well, he is a legend. i also imagine myself saying "brace thyself" to the world because i, in turn, will be a legendary student.
2. i plan to be a real student. last sem was a bitch, especially prod design. UHM, B?! what the hell. i should have been a basketball player or a celebrity. theatre history would have been an A but OH WELL. sayang. it wasn't such a nice feeling to get a 3.30 hahaha. oo iniyakan ko yan ng maganda. haha. FML = fuck/fix my life. game.
3. i will attend all my classes. i used to cut whenever i felt like cutting. there was a sem when i tallied my cuts, and by the end of the sem i saw that i haven't used all my cuts yet, so i spent 3 days cutting all my classes. BAD MOVE. BAD MOVE. however, with the roster of teachers this sem, i think cutting class will not be much of an issue. after all, my subjects seem fun. my weeks will begin with missy and end with fr. dacanay (or sir lionel. or rehearsal). tuesdays and thursdays will tap my creative juices all the more, beginning with tech theatre, then philo, then directing. i feel that come directing class, my style will be influenced by philosophy. HEH.
4. i shall spend only 300 pesos in a week for 3 weeks each month. meaning i shall live by the alicia silverstone line in clueless, "i'm not gonna eat today, i'm not gonna eat tomorrow" hahaha. i have to save my allowance for voice lessons, manicures, threading, haircuts, etc.
5. i shall go to the salon only when needed. only when needed means i'm depressed / i have a show / i'm meeting someone and i want to look good / i have time.
6. i will wake up early. I WILL WAKE UP AT 7:00AM EVERY MWF AND 8:00AM EVERY TTH. it doesn't matter if i ever have a hangover or i get home late. i shall also leave the house EXACTLY AN HOUR after waking up. that means, 30mins in the bathroom, 15 mins dressing up, 10mins of breakfast time and 5mins for brushing my teeth. if any of those take long, only the breakfast time shall be sacrificed. i can make a side trip before school to get foodage.
7. i will be an active bluerepper. i also intend to keep my position for the coming school year. i will do what i can to carry out all the plans that the core has made. i will work full-time on only one production, but will check on the progress of both productions because it's part of my job. stress will not be an issue. i shall master the art of grace under pressure.
lastly,
8. I SHALL GO TO THE LIBRARY AT LEAST ONCE. it's new eh. :D
i saw a comment in some facebook album: ang galing, same time and venue pa rin yung english12 and lit14 classes natin. UHM! malamang! :))
oh, being a freshman.
5 semesters later...
it's magical how my philo class is still the same time and venue. HEH.i've gone on to better things, better jobs (no bigger rings. single pa rin ako eh). so much has happened already and i can't really say i've become so much better, but i'll get there. wait lang.
oh, btw, my B in philo was highly unexpected. i love philo and the whole time i wasn't expecting anything above a C because usually that's how those subjects are. to think i had 5 cuts (but i sat in hoping to make up for them) and my repetitios were nasty. it's such a happy thought that i'm treated well by (some) things that i'm passionate about. thanks, sir jope!
this sem:
1. BRACE THYSELF means two different things: i imagine fr. dacanay telling me to brace myself because... well, he is a legend. i also imagine myself saying "brace thyself" to the world because i, in turn, will be a legendary student.
2. i plan to be a real student. last sem was a bitch, especially prod design. UHM, B?! what the hell. i should have been a basketball player or a celebrity. theatre history would have been an A but OH WELL. sayang. it wasn't such a nice feeling to get a 3.30 hahaha. oo iniyakan ko yan ng maganda. haha. FML = fuck/fix my life. game.
3. i will attend all my classes. i used to cut whenever i felt like cutting. there was a sem when i tallied my cuts, and by the end of the sem i saw that i haven't used all my cuts yet, so i spent 3 days cutting all my classes. BAD MOVE. BAD MOVE. however, with the roster of teachers this sem, i think cutting class will not be much of an issue. after all, my subjects seem fun. my weeks will begin with missy and end with fr. dacanay (or sir lionel. or rehearsal). tuesdays and thursdays will tap my creative juices all the more, beginning with tech theatre, then philo, then directing. i feel that come directing class, my style will be influenced by philosophy. HEH.
4. i shall spend only 300 pesos in a week for 3 weeks each month. meaning i shall live by the alicia silverstone line in clueless, "i'm not gonna eat today, i'm not gonna eat tomorrow" hahaha. i have to save my allowance for voice lessons, manicures, threading, haircuts, etc.
5. i shall go to the salon only when needed. only when needed means i'm depressed / i have a show / i'm meeting someone and i want to look good / i have time.
6. i will wake up early. I WILL WAKE UP AT 7:00AM EVERY MWF AND 8:00AM EVERY TTH. it doesn't matter if i ever have a hangover or i get home late. i shall also leave the house EXACTLY AN HOUR after waking up. that means, 30mins in the bathroom, 15 mins dressing up, 10mins of breakfast time and 5mins for brushing my teeth. if any of those take long, only the breakfast time shall be sacrificed. i can make a side trip before school to get foodage.
7. i will be an active bluerepper. i also intend to keep my position for the coming school year. i will do what i can to carry out all the plans that the core has made. i will work full-time on only one production, but will check on the progress of both productions because it's part of my job. stress will not be an issue. i shall master the art of grace under pressure.
lastly,
8. I SHALL GO TO THE LIBRARY AT LEAST ONCE. it's new eh. :D
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
draining.
right now, i don't know if the opportunities that i let go of are worth crying over. i don't even know if they're worth letting go of.
i also don't know if those that i grabbed are going to fly. were they worthy of my approval? or maybe the better question is, do i deserve them?
maybe i'm getting stupid, or maybe i'm thinking too much. i wouldn't know.
but then, like i said, it MIGHT be for the best. i have priorities. i thought it would be a priority too, but then when i thought about it further, hindi pala.
at the end of it all, we really would have our biggest regrets over the things we didn't do than by the ones we did. however, isn't not doing something also doing something? hahaha labo.
oh well. haha. is that all i can say? OH WELL? after all this, i'm just going to accept it? hay. ano ba, pauline. before, you said that you'll never become jaded. why does it feel that that's where you're headed?
i feel like i'm getting drained. it's like i'm running out of creative juices, the willingness to RESEARCH, the thirst to take in something new. like, even in selecting the season finale, i had such a hard time looking for material. there's LOADS of material out there. some are taken (tangina, btw), most don't have rights.
we finally landed on something, but i'm getting so many mixed reactions. it's so confusing, i don't even know if i should still listen! i swear, i've been getting texts from different people and sometimes i do try to avoid na lang. like yesterday, i just kept playing sims 3 and put my phone somewhere far so that i won't think about it anymore, at least for a while. but then there'd come a point for me to finally give up and read and understand. after all, it's part of my job. grabe, where's the BREAK? i thought i had 2 weeks off?
i just need to stop for a while. let me catch my breath.
i also don't know if those that i grabbed are going to fly. were they worthy of my approval? or maybe the better question is, do i deserve them?
maybe i'm getting stupid, or maybe i'm thinking too much. i wouldn't know.
but then, like i said, it MIGHT be for the best. i have priorities. i thought it would be a priority too, but then when i thought about it further, hindi pala.
at the end of it all, we really would have our biggest regrets over the things we didn't do than by the ones we did. however, isn't not doing something also doing something? hahaha labo.
oh well. haha. is that all i can say? OH WELL? after all this, i'm just going to accept it? hay. ano ba, pauline. before, you said that you'll never become jaded. why does it feel that that's where you're headed?
i feel like i'm getting drained. it's like i'm running out of creative juices, the willingness to RESEARCH, the thirst to take in something new. like, even in selecting the season finale, i had such a hard time looking for material. there's LOADS of material out there. some are taken (tangina, btw), most don't have rights.
we finally landed on something, but i'm getting so many mixed reactions. it's so confusing, i don't even know if i should still listen! i swear, i've been getting texts from different people and sometimes i do try to avoid na lang. like yesterday, i just kept playing sims 3 and put my phone somewhere far so that i won't think about it anymore, at least for a while. but then there'd come a point for me to finally give up and read and understand. after all, it's part of my job. grabe, where's the BREAK? i thought i had 2 weeks off?
i just need to stop for a while. let me catch my breath.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
hello, wall.
bilang parang wall nga ang kausap ko.
uhm! please, ang ayoko sa lahat, yung inefficient. pwede maging wild as long as work gets done. hindi pwedeng wild lang. ayoko ng inefficient. ayoko ng inefficient. do not give me bullshit.
PLEASE. PLEASE. pa ayos naman.
and i cannot stress enough that i'm really getting frustrated with all this shebang. as in, they did mean it when they said we have to have plan A, B, C, D and E. it can't be only A and B.
again, do not give me bullshit.
napapagod na ko. sobra.
uhm! please, ang ayoko sa lahat, yung inefficient. pwede maging wild as long as work gets done. hindi pwedeng wild lang. ayoko ng inefficient. ayoko ng inefficient. do not give me bullshit.
PLEASE. PLEASE. pa ayos naman.
and i cannot stress enough that i'm really getting frustrated with all this shebang. as in, they did mean it when they said we have to have plan A, B, C, D and E. it can't be only A and B.
again, do not give me bullshit.
napapagod na ko. sobra.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
bonfire? what bonfire? sembreak? what?
UHM...
1. i had acting class while the game was happening. we have 3 rehearsals only for a one-act play, and we were supposed to just quit it and be happy with our grades already but no. some people still wanted to do it. at hello sa "hindi ko gets. wala naman sa kanilang binaha." UHM. thank you.
2. the class was from 4:30-7pm. so hello, kamusta naman sa championship game. thank you.
3. there's a rock and rule show on saturday, 8pm. i also have to usher for spring awakening on saturday, from 12pm-10:30pm. hello. bonfire? bonfire? saan? for more, TA also has a show on saturday. ano yun, parehong walang audience? hello. where is the real troy bolton? please reconcile basketball and theatre. please.
4. the maquette is still due on friday next week. HELLO. what is, optional finals?
5. we still have a paper for theatre history.
6. i don't know how i'm doing in aesthetics, so i think i have to do that optional paper as well.
7. we had our last philo 101 class today. I DO NOT APPROVE. i want more. more. more. i really don't want philo to end yet.
8. my sembreak starts....... on the 22nd. WHAT THE HELL.
people are finishing their final papers, and i still have 4 requirements. ano ba. ano baaaaaaa baaa black sheep. hay!
for more, kapag nagpapaka-cryptic ako, kayo na bahala mag-decode, and you can do it on your own. i need space. i really do. i mean, thank you for talking to me about it, but i really want to do it and figure it out on my own. i swear, i'm thankful for the concern, but there are times when i really need to think about it by myself. okay lang ako guys. malaki na ko. malalaki na tayo.
1. i had acting class while the game was happening. we have 3 rehearsals only for a one-act play, and we were supposed to just quit it and be happy with our grades already but no. some people still wanted to do it. at hello sa "hindi ko gets. wala naman sa kanilang binaha." UHM. thank you.
2. the class was from 4:30-7pm. so hello, kamusta naman sa championship game. thank you.
3. there's a rock and rule show on saturday, 8pm. i also have to usher for spring awakening on saturday, from 12pm-10:30pm. hello. bonfire? bonfire? saan? for more, TA also has a show on saturday. ano yun, parehong walang audience? hello. where is the real troy bolton? please reconcile basketball and theatre. please.
4. the maquette is still due on friday next week. HELLO. what is, optional finals?
5. we still have a paper for theatre history.
6. i don't know how i'm doing in aesthetics, so i think i have to do that optional paper as well.
7. we had our last philo 101 class today. I DO NOT APPROVE. i want more. more. more. i really don't want philo to end yet.
8. my sembreak starts....... on the 22nd. WHAT THE HELL.
people are finishing their final papers, and i still have 4 requirements. ano ba. ano baaaaaaa baaa black sheep. hay!
for more, kapag nagpapaka-cryptic ako, kayo na bahala mag-decode, and you can do it on your own. i need space. i really do. i mean, thank you for talking to me about it, but i really want to do it and figure it out on my own. i swear, i'm thankful for the concern, but there are times when i really need to think about it by myself. okay lang ako guys. malaki na ko. malalaki na tayo.
Monday, October 5, 2009
too tired.
please. i'm tired of finding something that other people would just take away. finders keepers, diba? malinaw yun. o anong nangyari?
it's just wrong... so wrong.
much as i want to smile and say thank you, wag na. i don't want to waste my efforts.
and please, hindi ako plastic and i can't afford to be plastic. shit, however it's said, plastics are harmful. get away! get away!
can't we just, you know, be happy, exchange, give and receive? no stealing! that's bad! that's evil! that's disgusting.
tawa na lang ako. i mean, what else can i do? it's not like i'm going to get it back.
yes, i now have trust issues :D thank you.
oh and please, don't touch me when i'm mad. i need space. as in, not even a tap on the shoulder. you might get hurt. :D
it's just wrong... so wrong.
much as i want to smile and say thank you, wag na. i don't want to waste my efforts.
and please, hindi ako plastic and i can't afford to be plastic. shit, however it's said, plastics are harmful. get away! get away!
can't we just, you know, be happy, exchange, give and receive? no stealing! that's bad! that's evil! that's disgusting.
tawa na lang ako. i mean, what else can i do? it's not like i'm going to get it back.
yes, i now have trust issues :D thank you.
oh and please, don't touch me when i'm mad. i need space. as in, not even a tap on the shoulder. you might get hurt. :D
Friday, October 2, 2009
so, where's pepeng?
i'm hoping he's a flaker.
a lot of relief centers refused volunteers today, ateneo included. everyone's preparing for pepeng. sayang, i wanted pa naman to volunteer today, before ushering for spring awakening, which also got cancelled tonight and tomorrow. i guess i'd have to go on sunday though. they cancelled at around 4pm already, so that didn't leave me time to get ready to go to voice lessons. i just stayed at home the whole day. so many could-have's.
i volunteered in ateneo again yesterday, but only from 7am-7pm. at around 10:30, geru came, so did felix. mindy, dindin and iya also came but they left early. there were only a few volunteers, maybe because of the uaap finals, or because of the pepeng threats. haha ang panget, pepeng threats! :)) i'm hoping it's just those 2 reasons. i don't want to think that volunteering's become a thing of the past.
we didn't get deployed. boring. haha. the first thing i did when i was alone was join an assembly line, and we filled a truck with 3000 bags which lasted almost 3 hours. there was a little boy (as in pre-school little) who joined us at the assembly line. helping out is his gift to his mom. :D then went with friends to the grocery shopping area. sayang because they ran out of noodles from time to time. there were soooo many canned goods in soooo many boxes, but that eventually ran out as well. so we carried boxes and opened boxes and stuff, then ended up giving away canned goods before lunching. there was another little boy who's also around 5 years old maybe. good job to him!
after lunch we went back to the grocery shopping area. boxes of noodles came (SWEET! hahahahaha. finally!) but were emptied really quickly. so we just did what we could - tie the finished bags. after a while this gay guy approached me, geru and felix and asked THEM to lift boxes. he was like... "hi, we need help from strong people to lift some boxes over there..."
to felix: you. you're strong.
to geru: well, you look strong.
to me: and you look... nice :|
then the same guy asked felix to count the bags being sent to one pile (one of the jobs we hated. math sucks!). then he huddled the people who were going to bring the bags to the pile and he was like, "okay, for this batch, give your bags to that tall, cute, muscular guy over there" HAHAHA. for more, he kept on ordering people, but he didn't even do manual work.deploy ko siya sa africa eh.
but yeah, for that day, i got a bit stressed at how, whenever i'm about to lift a heavy box (i want to find out how strong i am!), one of them would take the box from me. worse, felix told me to just gather the empty boxes. bleh. maybe that's why i still have so much energy today.
we ended at around 7pm, right before the mass. i liked the conversation over dinner. it was... sincere? i dunno. it's interesting to know that there are people you think you know, people you've known for more than a year, but there are still a bazillion things for you to find out. i also learned a lot. and i think there are still some things that i haven't figured out yet. hmm hmm.
i'm not sure about how i feel about... :D
a lot of relief centers refused volunteers today, ateneo included. everyone's preparing for pepeng. sayang, i wanted pa naman to volunteer today, before ushering for spring awakening, which also got cancelled tonight and tomorrow. i guess i'd have to go on sunday though. they cancelled at around 4pm already, so that didn't leave me time to get ready to go to voice lessons. i just stayed at home the whole day. so many could-have's.
i volunteered in ateneo again yesterday, but only from 7am-7pm. at around 10:30, geru came, so did felix. mindy, dindin and iya also came but they left early. there were only a few volunteers, maybe because of the uaap finals, or because of the pepeng threats. haha ang panget, pepeng threats! :)) i'm hoping it's just those 2 reasons. i don't want to think that volunteering's become a thing of the past.
we didn't get deployed. boring. haha. the first thing i did when i was alone was join an assembly line, and we filled a truck with 3000 bags which lasted almost 3 hours. there was a little boy (as in pre-school little) who joined us at the assembly line. helping out is his gift to his mom. :D then went with friends to the grocery shopping area. sayang because they ran out of noodles from time to time. there were soooo many canned goods in soooo many boxes, but that eventually ran out as well. so we carried boxes and opened boxes and stuff, then ended up giving away canned goods before lunching. there was another little boy who's also around 5 years old maybe. good job to him!
after lunch we went back to the grocery shopping area. boxes of noodles came (SWEET! hahahahaha. finally!) but were emptied really quickly. so we just did what we could - tie the finished bags. after a while this gay guy approached me, geru and felix and asked THEM to lift boxes. he was like... "hi, we need help from strong people to lift some boxes over there..."
to felix: you. you're strong.
to geru: well, you look strong.
to me: and you look... nice :|
then the same guy asked felix to count the bags being sent to one pile (one of the jobs we hated. math sucks!). then he huddled the people who were going to bring the bags to the pile and he was like, "okay, for this batch, give your bags to that tall, cute, muscular guy over there" HAHAHA. for more, he kept on ordering people, but he didn't even do manual work.deploy ko siya sa africa eh.
but yeah, for that day, i got a bit stressed at how, whenever i'm about to lift a heavy box (i want to find out how strong i am!), one of them would take the box from me. worse, felix told me to just gather the empty boxes. bleh. maybe that's why i still have so much energy today.
we ended at around 7pm, right before the mass. i liked the conversation over dinner. it was... sincere? i dunno. it's interesting to know that there are people you think you know, people you've known for more than a year, but there are still a bazillion things for you to find out. i also learned a lot. and i think there are still some things that i haven't figured out yet. hmm hmm.
i'm not sure about how i feel about... :D
Thursday, October 1, 2009
pack this! pack everything!
on tuesday i insisted on going to ateneo for volunteer work. slept at 3am and woke up at 4, left the house at 5:30, brought my sister to work at 6, and got to ateneo at 6:30. i was mega hungry but starbucks was closed so i walked around school and took in the fresh air while waiting for 7am to come around.
at 7:15 we were given an orientation, by 7:20 we (the smurfs = ces, dindin, pauline. why the smurfs? just look at us!) loaded a truck with relief goods. it was such a huge truck, we filled it with 3000 bags of goods. then we loaded it with 3000 bags of rice. i got really stressed whenever a rice bag falls on the pavement or when the plastic has a hole. sayang all the rice that gets dropped. i swear, the truck just wasn't getting full and it took us 3 whole hours to load it. i can still remember how happy i was upon seeing it leave. one big barangay, check!
soon after, smurfs met up with oli, ryan and felix. oli and ryan were tasked for a while to help out in the department store. i didn't want to go clothes shopping because the rules were complex. seriously complex. as in, shop for a mom, dad, 2 little girls and 2 little boys. in fairness, i have to say those people in that area are doing such a great job! imagine having to sort entire outfits! considering sizes pa! i mean, if you pair huge skirt and a baby tee, good luck to whoever's going to wear that.
so we went to the grocery area (yes, i'm using my own terms) and helped pack goods. it was fun forming a line with 3 empty grocery bags then having it all filled up by the time you exit. it's like going trick or treating!! when we got tired of going around in circles, we decided to just tie the plastic bags that were filled and piled them up. we also met up with bym and iya and iya's friend karen (who reportedly hates thespians). at times we unloaded boxes from carts too! i mostly unloaded boxes of noodles, then some juice boxes. i saw boxes of canned food and attempted to unload those too, but i couldn't even lift them so i let the others do it. i'm not as strong as i thought i am. bleh.
there was a mass at lunch time, then we went to shakeys for lunch to celebrate bym's birthday :D happy birthday, bitch. geru came and we went back to ateneo.
later on in the afternoon, felix was laughing because a girl was so stressed, counting how many bags were being placed in a pile and making sure each pile only had 1000 bags. minutes later, felix became station manager (a title he refuses to accept) and counted up to 1000. counting to 1000 has never looked so hard!
more bluereppers came such as nikko and aye, then rony came! we worked again in the grocery area then took part in an assembly line and loaded a truck with food. we also loaded the truck with clothes and OMG THOSE BAGS FILLED WITH CLOTHES! some of them were super super heavy!
oh then we got deployed to san mateo. wow. had i known that's the way to san mateo, then i would have brought baby v then i'd go straight home na lang after the area visit. but i'd also miss a fun (and funny. and at times stressful and scary) car ride with geru, felix and rony. in the other car it was bibo, aye and nikko. we assembly lined again at the area and told jokes and played games while passing goods. whenever someone shouted HOLD! (to signal us to stop passing goods first) we had to do a high fashion pose with the relief goods bag. there were also minus points for dropped items. i only had minus 5 for dropping a can.
i got to ateneo at 6:30 am, left for san mateo at 7pm, and got back to ateneo at 10:30pm. worked for a total of 15 hours. not bad for a first day. it was a 15-hour arm workout for someone like me who doesn't even work out!
woke up today feeling sick and with sore muscles in the arms and legs. didn't do any volunteer work today, but i swear, i'll work even longer tomorrow/in a few hours. it's a great feeling to be able to help even in such a small way as being in a relief operations center because i get to bond with friends while making a difference. like, even while working, we can sing happy working songs and tell each other stories or play little games (such as spotting pa-cute guys who are just roaming around the area. i only had 4 points. boo me).
i find it quite comforting to see people working together and really being men and women for others. aye even told me that there were grade school kids who donated their piggy banks for the typhoon victims. i like how something good is coming from this whole tragedy. our generation is not apathetic after all! we didn't have a world war, or vietnam, or martial law, but we had ondoy and it definitely brought change.
i have less than an hour to sleep before heading off to ateneo again. i'm excited!
at 7:15 we were given an orientation, by 7:20 we (the smurfs = ces, dindin, pauline. why the smurfs? just look at us!) loaded a truck with relief goods. it was such a huge truck, we filled it with 3000 bags of goods. then we loaded it with 3000 bags of rice. i got really stressed whenever a rice bag falls on the pavement or when the plastic has a hole. sayang all the rice that gets dropped. i swear, the truck just wasn't getting full and it took us 3 whole hours to load it. i can still remember how happy i was upon seeing it leave. one big barangay, check!
soon after, smurfs met up with oli, ryan and felix. oli and ryan were tasked for a while to help out in the department store. i didn't want to go clothes shopping because the rules were complex. seriously complex. as in, shop for a mom, dad, 2 little girls and 2 little boys. in fairness, i have to say those people in that area are doing such a great job! imagine having to sort entire outfits! considering sizes pa! i mean, if you pair huge skirt and a baby tee, good luck to whoever's going to wear that.
so we went to the grocery area (yes, i'm using my own terms) and helped pack goods. it was fun forming a line with 3 empty grocery bags then having it all filled up by the time you exit. it's like going trick or treating!! when we got tired of going around in circles, we decided to just tie the plastic bags that were filled and piled them up. we also met up with bym and iya and iya's friend karen (who reportedly hates thespians). at times we unloaded boxes from carts too! i mostly unloaded boxes of noodles, then some juice boxes. i saw boxes of canned food and attempted to unload those too, but i couldn't even lift them so i let the others do it. i'm not as strong as i thought i am. bleh.
there was a mass at lunch time, then we went to shakeys for lunch to celebrate bym's birthday :D happy birthday, bitch. geru came and we went back to ateneo.
later on in the afternoon, felix was laughing because a girl was so stressed, counting how many bags were being placed in a pile and making sure each pile only had 1000 bags. minutes later, felix became station manager (a title he refuses to accept) and counted up to 1000. counting to 1000 has never looked so hard!
more bluereppers came such as nikko and aye, then rony came! we worked again in the grocery area then took part in an assembly line and loaded a truck with food. we also loaded the truck with clothes and OMG THOSE BAGS FILLED WITH CLOTHES! some of them were super super heavy!
oh then we got deployed to san mateo. wow. had i known that's the way to san mateo, then i would have brought baby v then i'd go straight home na lang after the area visit. but i'd also miss a fun (and funny. and at times stressful and scary) car ride with geru, felix and rony. in the other car it was bibo, aye and nikko. we assembly lined again at the area and told jokes and played games while passing goods. whenever someone shouted HOLD! (to signal us to stop passing goods first) we had to do a high fashion pose with the relief goods bag. there were also minus points for dropped items. i only had minus 5 for dropping a can.
i got to ateneo at 6:30 am, left for san mateo at 7pm, and got back to ateneo at 10:30pm. worked for a total of 15 hours. not bad for a first day. it was a 15-hour arm workout for someone like me who doesn't even work out!
woke up today feeling sick and with sore muscles in the arms and legs. didn't do any volunteer work today, but i swear, i'll work even longer tomorrow/in a few hours. it's a great feeling to be able to help even in such a small way as being in a relief operations center because i get to bond with friends while making a difference. like, even while working, we can sing happy working songs and tell each other stories or play little games (such as spotting pa-cute guys who are just roaming around the area. i only had 4 points. boo me).
i find it quite comforting to see people working together and really being men and women for others. aye even told me that there were grade school kids who donated their piggy banks for the typhoon victims. i like how something good is coming from this whole tragedy. our generation is not apathetic after all! we didn't have a world war, or vietnam, or martial law, but we had ondoy and it definitely brought change.
i have less than an hour to sleep before heading off to ateneo again. i'm excited!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
okay, wait lang.
i can't help it. as in. i really can't. even with combined efforts, parang i still can't. kung dinedemonyo ako, ganun talaga eh.
okay?
as in omg. i have to laugh. ang ayoko sa lahat yung asar-talo. parang tanga lang o. affected naman kayo? tuwa naman kayo sakin? well i'm sorry pero wala akong sinasanto. wala talaga. kahit ano at sino ka pa, if you rub me the wrong way, itatapon kita. tigilan ako sa pagiging plastic. hindi ko kailangan ng messenger. they have to tell me what they want to say. ano yan, bakit may speaker of the house? UUUHM. tapos talagang ganging up pa oh! kasi alam nyo na independent ako? sarap lang! as in WOW THANKS. to think kayo pa yung matanda. natuwa naman kayo sakin. ganda ko eh.
i'm so turned off. you're all so disgusting. if you want a fight, go tell me. i'm handling this alone but that doesn't mean i can't do it.
at hello naman sa, anong tinitingin tingin mo jan? eh kung magsalita ka kaya?! hindi yung asa viewing list pero wala namang sinasabi. parang tanga lang o. nasaan ang brain? sabi na nga ba nawawala ang brain eh kaya ayun, assume lang ng assume. UHM!
kadiri lang. i swear. kadiri. i thought you knew better. atenista pa man din kayo. ang alam ko walang atenistang bobo. apparently may nag-eexistensyang ganon. hay. kaloka!
okay?
as in omg. i have to laugh. ang ayoko sa lahat yung asar-talo. parang tanga lang o. affected naman kayo? tuwa naman kayo sakin? well i'm sorry pero wala akong sinasanto. wala talaga. kahit ano at sino ka pa, if you rub me the wrong way, itatapon kita. tigilan ako sa pagiging plastic. hindi ko kailangan ng messenger. they have to tell me what they want to say. ano yan, bakit may speaker of the house? UUUHM. tapos talagang ganging up pa oh! kasi alam nyo na independent ako? sarap lang! as in WOW THANKS. to think kayo pa yung matanda. natuwa naman kayo sakin. ganda ko eh.
i'm so turned off. you're all so disgusting. if you want a fight, go tell me. i'm handling this alone but that doesn't mean i can't do it.
at hello naman sa, anong tinitingin tingin mo jan? eh kung magsalita ka kaya?! hindi yung asa viewing list pero wala namang sinasabi. parang tanga lang o. nasaan ang brain? sabi na nga ba nawawala ang brain eh kaya ayun, assume lang ng assume. UHM!
kadiri lang. i swear. kadiri. i thought you knew better. atenista pa man din kayo. ang alam ko walang atenistang bobo. apparently may nag-eexistensyang ganon. hay. kaloka!
inconvenience.
al gore's right. and it's all happening. i hope we could still do something!
i have to wake up at 4am later because i'm going to ateneo and bringing my sister to work at 6am. so yeah i'll be in ateneo maybe at 7am. yay for volunteer work! i'm excited. the DSL has been restored this afternoon so things are back to normal. it was so confusing to have only 2 smart bro usb modems when all 5 of us are looking for people, checking up on friends, planning what we could do, among other things. oh well. for now, my downloads can wait.
i'm a bit apprehensive though because while it's a helpful thing to pack goods, a lot of the relief goods that i see are wrapped in plastic. i saw videos of the assembly line in school, where they all put the goods to the trucks, and it's a whole truckload full of PLASTIC! i'm afraid that while we may be providing temporary relief, we might also be causing further damage. i hope the plastic bags that are being used for packing relief goods would also be brought to the proper recycling facilities afterwards.
my sister went to work today and since they have a telethon thing going, she wanted to also be part of the relief operations apart from the donations we've done. but then she backed out because according to her, the ones calling might hate the fact that their telethon representative isn't a celebrity. HEH. so repurposing news that they send to the international networks is already enough help for her.
my former yaya (the one i had since i was a baby) came here a while ago. they're already cleaning their flooded house and she was asking for drinking water because they had none. my mom gave her a sermon on how she should already move houses and gave her one of the 5-gallon containers of water. i hope she got back to their house with the water still on hand. that thing's heavy! and i'm sure she shared it with her neighbors.
one of our maids also went back to her house to clean things. when she got back here, she told us that there was an 18-year old boy whose body was there lying around, and that boy saved a lot of people at the height of the typhoon. when i went online, i saw the news about the said boy. sigh. our maid also said that last night, mar roxas and noynoy aquino were in their area to give out food. hopefully the food they gave didn't have labels saying it came from them, unlike manny villar's neatly labeled styrofoam. there were also corpses of kids, adults, and nuns all over the area, but they've already been placed in coffins already, thank god.
i remember having my own share of being flooded when i was younger. i used to live in marikina (as in, a block away from the river!), then i moved to riverside, pasig. i hope all my former neighbors are safe. when i was in riverside, i think i was around 8 or 9 then. our house got flooded and there was water on our 1st floor at chest level. when the water was rising, my yaya and my family combined efforts and put EVERYTHING on the second floor - the sofa, the fridge, the microwave, everything! my mom was completely single then so we were all girls then at home (although my yaya then's lesbian) and we were all freaking out. i even remember a HUGE rat that crawled on my foot before my yaya stabbed the rat and i saw a part of the flood water turn red. leptospirosis, anyone? we were all stuck there for 3 days because the water took that long to go down. tito was nice enough to give us fast food although i don't remember how he got to our house. we had a neighbor then who was a basketball player, roaming the streets, but since it's all flooded, it was only his head that we could see. he was tiptoeing then!
when i was looking at my planner, i saw the schedule for JEEP orals. JEEP=junior engagement program=working blue collar jobs for 12 hours. i'd rather have orals for volunteer work for the typhoon victims. this learning experience has so much more relevance. na-waley yung jeep experience bigla. pati yung FA101 NSTP, waley! although i hope the shopwise employees that i worked with are okay. also the kids who helped us gather pictures in the aklatan area. i hope they're all okay.
if you don't know how to fix something, don't destroy it. if you don't know how to fix the earth, why are you destroying it? sana wala nang makalat. OC pa naman ako and i'm really strict about order. if there's something i don't like, kahit ano (or sino. haha) pa yun, itatapon ko yun :| as in, go to hell. i'll see you there. waley!
for now i'm just glad that my friends are okay. some of them took a while to respond to our efforts in contacting them, but thankfully they've already replied/answered their phones and are safe. don't care na about the things you lost. we can help you get those back. i'm not ready to lose anyone. walang magulo.
i have to wake up at 4am later because i'm going to ateneo and bringing my sister to work at 6am. so yeah i'll be in ateneo maybe at 7am. yay for volunteer work! i'm excited. the DSL has been restored this afternoon so things are back to normal. it was so confusing to have only 2 smart bro usb modems when all 5 of us are looking for people, checking up on friends, planning what we could do, among other things. oh well. for now, my downloads can wait.
i'm a bit apprehensive though because while it's a helpful thing to pack goods, a lot of the relief goods that i see are wrapped in plastic. i saw videos of the assembly line in school, where they all put the goods to the trucks, and it's a whole truckload full of PLASTIC! i'm afraid that while we may be providing temporary relief, we might also be causing further damage. i hope the plastic bags that are being used for packing relief goods would also be brought to the proper recycling facilities afterwards.
my sister went to work today and since they have a telethon thing going, she wanted to also be part of the relief operations apart from the donations we've done. but then she backed out because according to her, the ones calling might hate the fact that their telethon representative isn't a celebrity. HEH. so repurposing news that they send to the international networks is already enough help for her.
my former yaya (the one i had since i was a baby) came here a while ago. they're already cleaning their flooded house and she was asking for drinking water because they had none. my mom gave her a sermon on how she should already move houses and gave her one of the 5-gallon containers of water. i hope she got back to their house with the water still on hand. that thing's heavy! and i'm sure she shared it with her neighbors.
one of our maids also went back to her house to clean things. when she got back here, she told us that there was an 18-year old boy whose body was there lying around, and that boy saved a lot of people at the height of the typhoon. when i went online, i saw the news about the said boy. sigh. our maid also said that last night, mar roxas and noynoy aquino were in their area to give out food. hopefully the food they gave didn't have labels saying it came from them, unlike manny villar's neatly labeled styrofoam. there were also corpses of kids, adults, and nuns all over the area, but they've already been placed in coffins already, thank god.
i remember having my own share of being flooded when i was younger. i used to live in marikina (as in, a block away from the river!), then i moved to riverside, pasig. i hope all my former neighbors are safe. when i was in riverside, i think i was around 8 or 9 then. our house got flooded and there was water on our 1st floor at chest level. when the water was rising, my yaya and my family combined efforts and put EVERYTHING on the second floor - the sofa, the fridge, the microwave, everything! my mom was completely single then so we were all girls then at home (although my yaya then's lesbian) and we were all freaking out. i even remember a HUGE rat that crawled on my foot before my yaya stabbed the rat and i saw a part of the flood water turn red. leptospirosis, anyone? we were all stuck there for 3 days because the water took that long to go down. tito was nice enough to give us fast food although i don't remember how he got to our house. we had a neighbor then who was a basketball player, roaming the streets, but since it's all flooded, it was only his head that we could see. he was tiptoeing then!
when i was looking at my planner, i saw the schedule for JEEP orals. JEEP=junior engagement program=working blue collar jobs for 12 hours. i'd rather have orals for volunteer work for the typhoon victims. this learning experience has so much more relevance. na-waley yung jeep experience bigla. pati yung FA101 NSTP, waley! although i hope the shopwise employees that i worked with are okay. also the kids who helped us gather pictures in the aklatan area. i hope they're all okay.
if you don't know how to fix something, don't destroy it. if you don't know how to fix the earth, why are you destroying it? sana wala nang makalat. OC pa naman ako and i'm really strict about order. if there's something i don't like, kahit ano (or sino. haha) pa yun, itatapon ko yun :| as in, go to hell. i'll see you there. waley!
for now i'm just glad that my friends are okay. some of them took a while to respond to our efforts in contacting them, but thankfully they've already replied/answered their phones and are safe. don't care na about the things you lost. we can help you get those back. i'm not ready to lose anyone. walang magulo.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
the boat (aka manila) is sinking. group yourselves accordingly (continued)
GAME! let's all group ourselves accordingly - let's bring together those who can help, group the goods we can give, and go in groups to reach out to those who need relief. all i've done so far was donate to that red cross thing. there's also a plastic full of clothes by our main door, which has been there since forever. we've been wanting to get rid of them, so i guess we will, and it's going to go somewhere good. makes me want to go to MVP because that's the help central right now, but i'm not sure if my folks are risking another trip to ateneo after getting stuck in ateneo yesterday for 10 hours or something. OH NO! they can't risk another trip to ateneo! i won't be allowed to go to school forevaaaaah! HEH. but yeah i wanna go to MVP. though i guess our org room doesn't qualify as a relief center. it's too messy and cramped, people wouldn't get any hint of comfort if they stay there.
i also learned that in times like this, "group ourselves accordingly" makes sense, but not quite. it's like abstractio - pagsasama-sama ng magkakahiwalay, at paghihiwalay ng magkakasama (take note, i studied philo last night. with candlelight. i think i now know why. i was trapped in time and space, and after texting so many people to make sure they're okay, i didn't want to be scared shitless while waiting for their replies). pagsasamahin mo lahat ng magkakahiwalay dahil kahit ano pa sila in terms of social status, they're all victims and they all need help, be you an atenean, la sallian, artista, common tao, rich, poor, whatever, you just have to blur all those divisions and just go out and help. besides, the flood victims are also atenean, la sallian, artista, common tao, rich, poor, whatever. ang galing how there's hardly any concept of social status in times of disaster. it kind of makes me want to have more times like this, if this is the only thing that could genuinely unite people.
oh and i'd like to give a little shoutout: bad taste huh? as if you know the context of what i'm saying. which makes YOU stupid for not knowing what goes on beyond what i said. stupid stupid stupid!! :D *evil laugh*
aaaaanyway, rain rain, fuck off. i won't be nice enough to just tell you to go away.
although if the rain could talk, i wonder what it was saying when it was pouring wildly yesterday. maybe it's like hearing your mom give you a sermon:
1. still a bit calm - i'm going to teach you guys a lesson
2. getting stronger - oh yes, i shall.
3. climax (as the flood rises quickly) - PUTANG INA NYO! PUTANG INA NYO! KADIRI KAYO! YOU SHOULD ALL BE OC PEOPLE AND YOU SHOULD RECYCLE AND YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SO MESSY AND SO GROSS! JUST LOOK AT MANILA! HELLO! STOP BEING USELESS BITCHES AND CLEAN YOUR STUFF! THE DRAINAGES ARE CHOKING! IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU CHOKE AS WELL! YOU SHALL ALL SUFFER BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ME SUFFER FOR THE LONGEST TIME! SHIT KAYONG LAHAT!
4. getting softer - okay. so, what are you going to do now?
5. complete stop - go, do it.
i also learned that in times like this, "group ourselves accordingly" makes sense, but not quite. it's like abstractio - pagsasama-sama ng magkakahiwalay, at paghihiwalay ng magkakasama (take note, i studied philo last night. with candlelight. i think i now know why. i was trapped in time and space, and after texting so many people to make sure they're okay, i didn't want to be scared shitless while waiting for their replies). pagsasamahin mo lahat ng magkakahiwalay dahil kahit ano pa sila in terms of social status, they're all victims and they all need help, be you an atenean, la sallian, artista, common tao, rich, poor, whatever, you just have to blur all those divisions and just go out and help. besides, the flood victims are also atenean, la sallian, artista, common tao, rich, poor, whatever. ang galing how there's hardly any concept of social status in times of disaster. it kind of makes me want to have more times like this, if this is the only thing that could genuinely unite people.
oh and i'd like to give a little shoutout: bad taste huh? as if you know the context of what i'm saying. which makes YOU stupid for not knowing what goes on beyond what i said. stupid stupid stupid!! :D *evil laugh*
aaaaanyway, rain rain, fuck off. i won't be nice enough to just tell you to go away.
although if the rain could talk, i wonder what it was saying when it was pouring wildly yesterday. maybe it's like hearing your mom give you a sermon:
1. still a bit calm - i'm going to teach you guys a lesson
2. getting stronger - oh yes, i shall.
3. climax (as the flood rises quickly) - PUTANG INA NYO! PUTANG INA NYO! KADIRI KAYO! YOU SHOULD ALL BE OC PEOPLE AND YOU SHOULD RECYCLE AND YOU SHOULD STOP BEING SO MESSY AND SO GROSS! JUST LOOK AT MANILA! HELLO! STOP BEING USELESS BITCHES AND CLEAN YOUR STUFF! THE DRAINAGES ARE CHOKING! IF YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU CHOKE AS WELL! YOU SHALL ALL SUFFER BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ME SUFFER FOR THE LONGEST TIME! SHIT KAYONG LAHAT!
4. getting softer - okay. so, what are you going to do now?
5. complete stop - go, do it.
the boat (aka manila) is sinking. group yourselves accordingly
TODAY, I LEARNED:
1. that being a dedicated worker may come at a price if you're too dedicated
2. it's such a downer when it's supposedly your last time to do something and you have been waiting to just get it over and done with and POOF. the event gets postponed
3. that i'm always either just at home or in school when intense floods happen and people get hurt. it made me realize that i feel uncomfortable with the fact that i am comfortable. because i know that other people just aren't.
4. (in relation to the previous number) WHICH MEANS, i get to miss out on all the action just when things are getting exciting. MY LIFE IS BORING. I NEED ADVENTURES.
5. that there's nothing like feeling secure when you know that the people you love are secure.
6. that i do love my friends after all and i do look out for them, especially in times like this.
i awoke today with a lot in mind: the FA101 project with a september 26 deadline, having to sleep at 4:30am just to get that project done, being FOH head for the LAST TIME (which is a truly comforting thought), and first on my schedule for the day - ushering for spring awakening.
the rain was kinda hard though i didn't know how hard it was until i got all dressed up and ready to go. got a call from my mom that they're all stuck in ateneo because my brother who's in 7th grade has salu-salo. i wanted to leave the house at 11 so i can make it to the 12nn call time. it was almost 11 so i was semi-panicking. i kept thinking, I CANNOT BE LATE! I CANNOT BE A FLAKER. I AM NOT A FLAKER.
so my mom told me to tell the maid to hail a cab outside the village because i said that i had to go to rcbc no matter what happens. hell, i didn't know it would be impossible. at that time, i called bea to ask if the show's still on, and she said yes so i panicked more. i had to get there asap, no matter what. i can't fail.
got messages from bluerep that rock and rule's gonna be postponed. more work for me. wow :| then atlantis cancelled the show half an hour later. no one could get to rcbc perhaps. although i did have the option of going to school with my brother then maybe taking the train or making sabay with the people in school. had i done that, god knows where i'd be now.
thank god i'm not as professional as i think i am (at least during calamities).
i stayed home with my sister and watched episodes 3 and 4 of glee. just when episode 4 started playing, the power went out. that bitch. so it was me and my sister, in our room, at 1pm, doing nothing. the rain got ultra strong and since i live on a hill, i didn't have to worry about safety. i saw people climbing uphill, some with only one plastic bag (which isn't very environment friendly) containing belongings as some houses have already been submerged. imagine, one whole house, and all you're getting is one little plastic bag containing things that matter most to you. it felt so depressing. there i was, watching them through the window of a house that sits on a hill and has thick walls and stuff.
i felt trapped in time and space, so i just ate cereal, hallucinated that there was wii fit, had conversations with my sister and studied philosophy. i felt like studying. I DON'T KNOW WHY.
our maid who went on a day off suddenly arrived with her family members, as their house had already sunk. she said that the passed through the roofs of the houses just to get out alive. my former teacher had a house built around a year ago and the flood in their area reached the second floor. i got a message from her that she's safe (even if it meant using her baby's kiddie pool as a boat and getting out of the house through the balcony. the balcony!), but lost contact with her later on. i hope she's fine. another friend got stuck in edsa then landed in a mall so maybe that was the most comfortable place to be, next to home. some of my friends still haven't answered so i'll keep praying that they're fine.
i hope everyone's okay after the perfect storm. i'm not waiting for it to happen again, but i also hope that i could be part of the whole fiasco next time. it was boring to wait at home. and yeah, i want to help those who need help.
1. that being a dedicated worker may come at a price if you're too dedicated
2. it's such a downer when it's supposedly your last time to do something and you have been waiting to just get it over and done with and POOF. the event gets postponed
3. that i'm always either just at home or in school when intense floods happen and people get hurt. it made me realize that i feel uncomfortable with the fact that i am comfortable. because i know that other people just aren't.
4. (in relation to the previous number) WHICH MEANS, i get to miss out on all the action just when things are getting exciting. MY LIFE IS BORING. I NEED ADVENTURES.
5. that there's nothing like feeling secure when you know that the people you love are secure.
6. that i do love my friends after all and i do look out for them, especially in times like this.
i awoke today with a lot in mind: the FA101 project with a september 26 deadline, having to sleep at 4:30am just to get that project done, being FOH head for the LAST TIME (which is a truly comforting thought), and first on my schedule for the day - ushering for spring awakening.
the rain was kinda hard though i didn't know how hard it was until i got all dressed up and ready to go. got a call from my mom that they're all stuck in ateneo because my brother who's in 7th grade has salu-salo. i wanted to leave the house at 11 so i can make it to the 12nn call time. it was almost 11 so i was semi-panicking. i kept thinking, I CANNOT BE LATE! I CANNOT BE A FLAKER. I AM NOT A FLAKER.
so my mom told me to tell the maid to hail a cab outside the village because i said that i had to go to rcbc no matter what happens. hell, i didn't know it would be impossible. at that time, i called bea to ask if the show's still on, and she said yes so i panicked more. i had to get there asap, no matter what. i can't fail.
got messages from bluerep that rock and rule's gonna be postponed. more work for me. wow :| then atlantis cancelled the show half an hour later. no one could get to rcbc perhaps. although i did have the option of going to school with my brother then maybe taking the train or making sabay with the people in school. had i done that, god knows where i'd be now.
thank god i'm not as professional as i think i am (at least during calamities).
i stayed home with my sister and watched episodes 3 and 4 of glee. just when episode 4 started playing, the power went out. that bitch. so it was me and my sister, in our room, at 1pm, doing nothing. the rain got ultra strong and since i live on a hill, i didn't have to worry about safety. i saw people climbing uphill, some with only one plastic bag (which isn't very environment friendly) containing belongings as some houses have already been submerged. imagine, one whole house, and all you're getting is one little plastic bag containing things that matter most to you. it felt so depressing. there i was, watching them through the window of a house that sits on a hill and has thick walls and stuff.
i felt trapped in time and space, so i just ate cereal, hallucinated that there was wii fit, had conversations with my sister and studied philosophy. i felt like studying. I DON'T KNOW WHY.
our maid who went on a day off suddenly arrived with her family members, as their house had already sunk. she said that the passed through the roofs of the houses just to get out alive. my former teacher had a house built around a year ago and the flood in their area reached the second floor. i got a message from her that she's safe (even if it meant using her baby's kiddie pool as a boat and getting out of the house through the balcony. the balcony!), but lost contact with her later on. i hope she's fine. another friend got stuck in edsa then landed in a mall so maybe that was the most comfortable place to be, next to home. some of my friends still haven't answered so i'll keep praying that they're fine.
i hope everyone's okay after the perfect storm. i'm not waiting for it to happen again, but i also hope that i could be part of the whole fiasco next time. it was boring to wait at home. and yeah, i want to help those who need help.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
i WAS bored.
i think my last blog was before Tick, Tick... Boom! opened. WOW. i remember telling sam last year that she can't possibly survive one whole month without blogging.
pauline eats her words.
since TTB closed, i became very, very restless as i didn't have any involvements in the newbie production. the week after TTB, i went home in the afternoon and slept to my heart's content. it was a good 2 weeks that i spent in despair because i got used to having rehearsals til around 10pm and hardly having any sleep because of school work and rehearsals. it was such a shock to be doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and being just a regular student. it was HELL.
***
1. so i asked bym what i could do to be involved in the newbie prod. he made me FOH head. i'm still finding my way around it because i'm quite clueless :| that means i have to take care of ticket reservations and handling the ticket/program sales from sept. 16-26
2. i also told sam to confirm our ushering gig (i headed the last ushering gig so i passed the torch). GAME. i'm ushering from sept. 26 to oct. 17. i originally wanted to usher for all the shows but it's my mom's birthday on oct. 18 and i'm assuming they have plans? so there. i'm kept busy until sembreak! perfect!
3. i also enrolled in voice lessons (i know. FINALLY.) and it's been fun so far. one problem that my teacher notices is that i seem to be a perfectionist. when i flat or when i hear something wrong, i cringe out of frustration. also when we vocalize i tend to look at the piano to see where i'm going and i shift to panic mode when i think it's high. he now covers the piano whenever i look, so i was totally clueless today when we vocalized. i reached Eb3-G6 (Eb below middle C, and the G on the second octave above middle C). so i was like WTF seriously? hahaha.
it's quite surprising that we're discussing meron in voice lessons. yes, the meron that we have been discussing in philo. i also heard him say "danasin mo". WTH. though i guess it's highly beneficial for me in a sense that i'm taking philo101 right now and 102 next sem, so since my voice teacher's been discussing philo and its relation to singing, i may have examples that i could throw when it's time for orals. i love how things serve more than one purpose. oh and i like what i'm experiencing so far. it's only been the second session, but i'm learning so much. i think i'll continue it (i'm not sure if my parents think it's a one-time thing, so i'm saving up for the next sessions because i might need to)
***
i've been having amazing discussions in theatre history, philosophy and in voice. what makes it even more amazing is that they're all talking about the SAME things! as in, perfection, meron, death, ritual, being trapped in time and space, the absurd, etc.
i'm learning so much.
and... i'm not bored anymore. i am (kind of) content :D
pauline eats her words.
since TTB closed, i became very, very restless as i didn't have any involvements in the newbie production. the week after TTB, i went home in the afternoon and slept to my heart's content. it was a good 2 weeks that i spent in despair because i got used to having rehearsals til around 10pm and hardly having any sleep because of school work and rehearsals. it was such a shock to be doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and being just a regular student. it was HELL.
***
1. so i asked bym what i could do to be involved in the newbie prod. he made me FOH head. i'm still finding my way around it because i'm quite clueless :| that means i have to take care of ticket reservations and handling the ticket/program sales from sept. 16-26
2. i also told sam to confirm our ushering gig (i headed the last ushering gig so i passed the torch). GAME. i'm ushering from sept. 26 to oct. 17. i originally wanted to usher for all the shows but it's my mom's birthday on oct. 18 and i'm assuming they have plans? so there. i'm kept busy until sembreak! perfect!
3. i also enrolled in voice lessons (i know. FINALLY.) and it's been fun so far. one problem that my teacher notices is that i seem to be a perfectionist. when i flat or when i hear something wrong, i cringe out of frustration. also when we vocalize i tend to look at the piano to see where i'm going and i shift to panic mode when i think it's high. he now covers the piano whenever i look, so i was totally clueless today when we vocalized. i reached Eb3-G6 (Eb below middle C, and the G on the second octave above middle C). so i was like WTF seriously? hahaha.
it's quite surprising that we're discussing meron in voice lessons. yes, the meron that we have been discussing in philo. i also heard him say "danasin mo". WTH. though i guess it's highly beneficial for me in a sense that i'm taking philo101 right now and 102 next sem, so since my voice teacher's been discussing philo and its relation to singing, i may have examples that i could throw when it's time for orals. i love how things serve more than one purpose. oh and i like what i'm experiencing so far. it's only been the second session, but i'm learning so much. i think i'll continue it (i'm not sure if my parents think it's a one-time thing, so i'm saving up for the next sessions because i might need to)
***
i've been having amazing discussions in theatre history, philosophy and in voice. what makes it even more amazing is that they're all talking about the SAME things! as in, perfection, meron, death, ritual, being trapped in time and space, the absurd, etc.
i'm learning so much.
and... i'm not bored anymore. i am (kind of) content :D
Saturday, August 8, 2009
another driving anecdote.
after the Tick Tick Boom run tonight, i went to dinner with the bluereppers and went home when i was tired. i decided to pass by petron beside la vista to replenish my stuff. i was tired, sleepy, just wanted to get what i need then rush home so i can lie on my sweet sweet airbed and rest.
i parked in front of one of the establishments in the gas station. when i went down, an elderly man (i guess he's around 70 years old) pointed at me. i looked at my clothes and on the ground. maybe i dropped something, or maybe there's something on my shirt. nope. 'twas all clear. i looked at him, clueless.
man: you don't know how to park?
i looked at my car. it was straight naman
me: sorry?
man: your car isn't right in the middle.
i looked at my car again. yes, it was off center. but it's not like i'm going to hit the other car. it's actually fine.
me: oh, i'll just buy something. it'll take around 2 minutes.
he looks at my ateneo jacket
man: you're from ateneo?
me: yes
man: atenista ka, and you don't know how to park?
i laughed a little (subtext: WTF!?)
me: sir, ateneo's not a driving school! :D
on the way home i thought about it. why do people think like that? should every atenean be supreme? should every atenean be perfect? hell, HE SHOULD SEE THE PARKING AREAS IN THE LOYOLA SCHOOLS! i'm sure he'd get a heart attack. what the hell, what does being an atenean have to do with parking properly? did i just embarrass the good name of my school because my car wasn't right smack at the center of the space? i don't care if he's an old man and if people tell us to respect our elders. you're the same people who said age doesn't matter. hahaha.
i parked in front of one of the establishments in the gas station. when i went down, an elderly man (i guess he's around 70 years old) pointed at me. i looked at my clothes and on the ground. maybe i dropped something, or maybe there's something on my shirt. nope. 'twas all clear. i looked at him, clueless.
man: you don't know how to park?
i looked at my car. it was straight naman
me: sorry?
man: your car isn't right in the middle.
i looked at my car again. yes, it was off center. but it's not like i'm going to hit the other car. it's actually fine.
me: oh, i'll just buy something. it'll take around 2 minutes.
he looks at my ateneo jacket
man: you're from ateneo?
me: yes
man: atenista ka, and you don't know how to park?
i laughed a little (subtext: WTF!?)
me: sir, ateneo's not a driving school! :D
on the way home i thought about it. why do people think like that? should every atenean be supreme? should every atenean be perfect? hell, HE SHOULD SEE THE PARKING AREAS IN THE LOYOLA SCHOOLS! i'm sure he'd get a heart attack. what the hell, what does being an atenean have to do with parking properly? did i just embarrass the good name of my school because my car wasn't right smack at the center of the space? i don't care if he's an old man and if people tell us to respect our elders. you're the same people who said age doesn't matter. hahaha.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
the tick tick booms are getting softer now. or not.
WE'RE OPENING IN A FEW HOURS!
just last weekend i had my major breakdown for this production because i saw the run and felt that the show wasn't where i wanted it to be. i wanted it seamless, beautiful, in sync, PERFECT. hell, i worked so hard to get things right, devoted my breaks to learning notes that i hardly even know how to read, working with the very limited resources that i have, so it better be the perfect show that i had in my head.
since the start of june during the auditions, i had very strong visions of this production. i listened to my ipod more than usual, listening to every note, making sure i'm not missing out on anything. i made sure i had the timing down pat, i made sure i understood the songs. during idle time, i'd read, make notes, try to look for patterns both in the text and in the music. i don't know how much i've worked, but i have to admit, i'm still not tired. i want to create, i will create. i want to keep working no matter what.
by the time rehearsals came, i also sacrificed a lot of my time to attend to cast members who may need help. i sought for help from outside resources when i felt that their needs are far beyond what i can give. nevermind pride and insecurity. when i needed other people to help me, i immediately shunned thoughts of me being ineffective because i knew that i needed help and that it would be for the best.
maybe, that's the reason i broke down when i heard the words "ate, bakit ang waley waley nilang kumanta?"... i cried even harder last thursday, when i went to acting class and my teacher asked why i was absent the previous week. i told him that i had to attend to the show that i'm doing and he told me that it's not a valid reason and that he's questioning my sense of commitment. i didn't know how to react. i was distracted for the rest of the 3-hour class. i felt that he wouldn't say that if it were his show i attended to. why take it against me that i'm working on something that i've learned to love? why question my commitment, when it was only commitment that i could give, and it was what i gave. i cut class because i wanted something better, and i have to admit, it was worth every single heartbeat that i spent away from class. sure, i'm not being graded for my work in Tick Tick Boom. i guess that's what makes it even more worth my while. it's pure passion that moves me. that's why i guess that whole questioning my commitment thing is something i won't forgive. it's wrong to hate, but i just have to.
i've dealt with a lot in the course of mounting this production. now that we're facing opening night, i couldn't be more thankful. i was a mess during the preview last night, making sure everything was in tip top shape. i picked a seat in front of the tech booth so that i can signal the tech booth people about the volume levels. i ended up not using the said seat as i stood the entire time, restless, hugging the white care bear that i finally took out of the box after 8 months.
preview night was marvelous. they made a few mistakes in their harmonies, but i didn't care anymore. we have a show. we're ready to open and i just couldn't be prouder of what the show has become. i was just so overwhelmed that there was a crowd, that they were watching the show, that there, right in front of me was a product of my hard work and all the situations and the words that i had to endure.
we're opening in around 4 hours. i'm sure it's going to be great!
just last weekend i had my major breakdown for this production because i saw the run and felt that the show wasn't where i wanted it to be. i wanted it seamless, beautiful, in sync, PERFECT. hell, i worked so hard to get things right, devoted my breaks to learning notes that i hardly even know how to read, working with the very limited resources that i have, so it better be the perfect show that i had in my head.
since the start of june during the auditions, i had very strong visions of this production. i listened to my ipod more than usual, listening to every note, making sure i'm not missing out on anything. i made sure i had the timing down pat, i made sure i understood the songs. during idle time, i'd read, make notes, try to look for patterns both in the text and in the music. i don't know how much i've worked, but i have to admit, i'm still not tired. i want to create, i will create. i want to keep working no matter what.
by the time rehearsals came, i also sacrificed a lot of my time to attend to cast members who may need help. i sought for help from outside resources when i felt that their needs are far beyond what i can give. nevermind pride and insecurity. when i needed other people to help me, i immediately shunned thoughts of me being ineffective because i knew that i needed help and that it would be for the best.
maybe, that's the reason i broke down when i heard the words "ate, bakit ang waley waley nilang kumanta?"... i cried even harder last thursday, when i went to acting class and my teacher asked why i was absent the previous week. i told him that i had to attend to the show that i'm doing and he told me that it's not a valid reason and that he's questioning my sense of commitment. i didn't know how to react. i was distracted for the rest of the 3-hour class. i felt that he wouldn't say that if it were his show i attended to. why take it against me that i'm working on something that i've learned to love? why question my commitment, when it was only commitment that i could give, and it was what i gave. i cut class because i wanted something better, and i have to admit, it was worth every single heartbeat that i spent away from class. sure, i'm not being graded for my work in Tick Tick Boom. i guess that's what makes it even more worth my while. it's pure passion that moves me. that's why i guess that whole questioning my commitment thing is something i won't forgive. it's wrong to hate, but i just have to.
i've dealt with a lot in the course of mounting this production. now that we're facing opening night, i couldn't be more thankful. i was a mess during the preview last night, making sure everything was in tip top shape. i picked a seat in front of the tech booth so that i can signal the tech booth people about the volume levels. i ended up not using the said seat as i stood the entire time, restless, hugging the white care bear that i finally took out of the box after 8 months.
preview night was marvelous. they made a few mistakes in their harmonies, but i didn't care anymore. we have a show. we're ready to open and i just couldn't be prouder of what the show has become. i was just so overwhelmed that there was a crowd, that they were watching the show, that there, right in front of me was a product of my hard work and all the situations and the words that i had to endure.
we're opening in around 4 hours. i'm sure it's going to be great!
Sunday, August 2, 2009
unloading.
it's getting heavier and heavier.
i remember my blog entries before. the one where i was tagged to write 20 things to 20 random people without saying who they are. i think i had around 13 lang that time, and right now, i think it's the best time to unload and throw some things in the air. just so i can breathe again. i don't know if the people i'm going to say this to will get to read it, but what the hell. as long as i let it out, i'm fine.
1. fuck you and your doubt about my commitment. for all i know, if i'm going to give something up for the sake of YOUR show, the reason i gave you would be more than valid. but please, i don't work for you and your useless company. i don't even consider you talented. you are not an artist. and yes, i have the guts and the power to say that. aggravate me more and i'll say it straight to your face: YOU ARE NOT TALENTED. YOU ARE NOT AN ARTIST. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN "THERE" YET BUT YOU ARE ALREADY A HAS-BEEN. i am not sorry, i will not be sorry. deal with it.
2. you are slowly getting unbearable. i spent months trying to understand where you're coming from, but at this point, i have to say i can't be tolerant. you don't know how much i sacrificed just so that i could do what i'm supposed to do. it's your turn to work. let go of those useless anxieties because that's not gonna get you anywhere. i'm starting to lose my respect and my belief in you. i can't tell you to work harder because you're not even working hard.
3. are my messages getting across? i don't know how to say it, but i think i... like you? something like that.
4. why do you always ask people what you can do? can't you think of solutions on your own? must you always rely on other minds to do the thinking while you just sulk there and wallow in shame for the stupid things you've done? can you for once, fix things yourself?
5. how can i thank you? i mean, for always being there to help me even if i get bratty and annoying and dependent. like, even if it's already 2 or 3 in the morning, you're ready to reach out when i start running to you, curling up like a little girl, being all scared and insecure and sometimes even irrational. i want to say thank you, and i want to show you that i really mean it. you have every reason to not do all of this for me. thank you. i might not be able to express how much. thank you...
6. i'm going to miss you. SO MUCH.
i remember my blog entries before. the one where i was tagged to write 20 things to 20 random people without saying who they are. i think i had around 13 lang that time, and right now, i think it's the best time to unload and throw some things in the air. just so i can breathe again. i don't know if the people i'm going to say this to will get to read it, but what the hell. as long as i let it out, i'm fine.
1. fuck you and your doubt about my commitment. for all i know, if i'm going to give something up for the sake of YOUR show, the reason i gave you would be more than valid. but please, i don't work for you and your useless company. i don't even consider you talented. you are not an artist. and yes, i have the guts and the power to say that. aggravate me more and i'll say it straight to your face: YOU ARE NOT TALENTED. YOU ARE NOT AN ARTIST. YOU HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN "THERE" YET BUT YOU ARE ALREADY A HAS-BEEN. i am not sorry, i will not be sorry. deal with it.
2. you are slowly getting unbearable. i spent months trying to understand where you're coming from, but at this point, i have to say i can't be tolerant. you don't know how much i sacrificed just so that i could do what i'm supposed to do. it's your turn to work. let go of those useless anxieties because that's not gonna get you anywhere. i'm starting to lose my respect and my belief in you. i can't tell you to work harder because you're not even working hard.
3. are my messages getting across? i don't know how to say it, but i think i... like you? something like that.
4. why do you always ask people what you can do? can't you think of solutions on your own? must you always rely on other minds to do the thinking while you just sulk there and wallow in shame for the stupid things you've done? can you for once, fix things yourself?
5. how can i thank you? i mean, for always being there to help me even if i get bratty and annoying and dependent. like, even if it's already 2 or 3 in the morning, you're ready to reach out when i start running to you, curling up like a little girl, being all scared and insecure and sometimes even irrational. i want to say thank you, and i want to show you that i really mean it. you have every reason to not do all of this for me. thank you. i might not be able to express how much. thank you...
6. i'm going to miss you. SO MUCH.
Friday, July 24, 2009
two words: GROW UP.
you know the feeling when there's so much going on inside your head that you want to just sit down and write them all down but you can't? and when you already have the time to sit down and write, you go through so much trouble trying to recall all the things you wanted to write. and then you get back up again, leaving your journal BLANK.
I HATE THAT!
i liked our philo discussion last week. we talked about how logos is not meron, but they are the same as well. i also liked how it affirmed my belief in words. like sir jope said "kung nagtatapon ka ng salita, sinasayang mo yung potential ng logos". it only proves how much power words have and how words have stories behind them (as in etymologies, especially). he also drew the chinese character of the word "forget", the upper part being to flee/to die, while the lower part is the character for the heart/mind. meaning, for the chinese, to forget is when the heart dies. i guess that's why i always look forward to philo - when i learn something, i don't just store it somewhere. it lingers in my head before moving on to the storage bin.
went to the Tick Tick Boom run last thursday after philo and it was kind of okay, but then we used the minus ones so it wasn't as nice as it could have been. oh well, as long as there's rehearsal. i guess there's been much more improvement now compared to that run. but i hope they keep getting better. the clock is ticking for all of us! we're opening soon and we all have no choice but to keep getting better. their performance during rehearsals can't fluctuate.
one thing that kind of ticked me off last week was insecurity. i mean, i'm also insecure, but i don't dwell on it. i just accept it, work around it and move on. nakakaloka that it's STILL there now that we're almost opening. we're all here for a reason. we're all here because we know that we can do something that others can't. we're here because we can, because we're committed, we're talented, because we know that we can go beyond what we think we can do. i became MD because i trust those people who taught me (and who continue to teach me) things i need to know. it's useless to have people who believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. i'm just paying it forward.
we're opening in a week, and we had a semi-TDR tonight. i hope the cast gets comfortable already. they're adjusting to the new space, with actual props (oxymoron?) this time, having a band to rehearse with, the works. they've already gone past the excellent mark and i hope they keep getting better.
I HATE THAT!
i liked our philo discussion last week. we talked about how logos is not meron, but they are the same as well. i also liked how it affirmed my belief in words. like sir jope said "kung nagtatapon ka ng salita, sinasayang mo yung potential ng logos". it only proves how much power words have and how words have stories behind them (as in etymologies, especially). he also drew the chinese character of the word "forget", the upper part being to flee/to die, while the lower part is the character for the heart/mind. meaning, for the chinese, to forget is when the heart dies. i guess that's why i always look forward to philo - when i learn something, i don't just store it somewhere. it lingers in my head before moving on to the storage bin.
went to the Tick Tick Boom run last thursday after philo and it was kind of okay, but then we used the minus ones so it wasn't as nice as it could have been. oh well, as long as there's rehearsal. i guess there's been much more improvement now compared to that run. but i hope they keep getting better. the clock is ticking for all of us! we're opening soon and we all have no choice but to keep getting better. their performance during rehearsals can't fluctuate.
one thing that kind of ticked me off last week was insecurity. i mean, i'm also insecure, but i don't dwell on it. i just accept it, work around it and move on. nakakaloka that it's STILL there now that we're almost opening. we're all here for a reason. we're all here because we know that we can do something that others can't. we're here because we can, because we're committed, we're talented, because we know that we can go beyond what we think we can do. i became MD because i trust those people who taught me (and who continue to teach me) things i need to know. it's useless to have people who believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. i'm just paying it forward.
we're opening in a week, and we had a semi-TDR tonight. i hope the cast gets comfortable already. they're adjusting to the new space, with actual props (oxymoron?) this time, having a band to rehearse with, the works. they've already gone past the excellent mark and i hope they keep getting better.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
spending my time this way.
today i did something i've never done before. it feels funny. on the way home, i was in the road near UP, basta the one going to ayala heights, and it's like 5 lanes which merge into one lane. so a lot of people are aggravated and making singit all over. it was my turn na to go to the single lane then this asshole driver didn't want to let me pass. he opened his window and waved at me. it was my first time ever to say fuck you and raise my middle finger to a person driving another car. i dunno. the gesture has become a reflex lately (like when my friends say something weird, i raise my middle finger instead of saying "gago" or something. i know, i know, i have to stop it asap). the guy on the other car laughed. he kind of had this look that showed like he knows me, or maybe i know him from somewhere, but i couldn't really tell. anyway, he smiled and let me pass. i got humbled so i wanted to do something to say thank you. i got my permanent pen and got paper, then wrote THANKS! and put a smiley under it. then i opened my window and showed it to the car behind mine. oh, pauline.
ANYWAY
i haven't blogged in a while because of my workload. rehearsals have been ending quite late already since we're opening pretty soon. been having different theatre people watch the runs so that we can get as much feedback as we can before presenting the show to our audience.
i just have to let this out: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD! haha, so far i've gotten compliments from REAL musical directors. i've been given lots of advice too. i'm learning SO MUCH i swear. meaning, it's good that i followed kang. he's right when he said i'll learn a lot from the experience.
we had a workshop activity before today's run. it was quite heavy, but very humbling. it's a good feeling to be vulnerable too sometimes. and i discovered so many things. i realized, even if i'm with these people everyday, i don't fully know them yet. i mean, i could even be just scratching the surface. we're so caught up with getting work done that we hardly get to know the people we're working with. i guess it's a good thing that even if we weren't ready to open up, we had no choice but to do so because everyone had a turn.
maybe the emotional baggage that was revealed to me during the activity was something i carried until after the run (and even until now). i had a deeper understanding of jon's monologue before "why", and i also had a deeper understanding of the song. it made me think of where i am now, if what i'm doing is something that i'd really want to do for the rest of my life, and if i'm going to succeed if i hold on to this. i know, unlike jon, 30 is still 9 and half years away for me. but then i kind of could relate to him, because that's kind of how i felt too before i turned 20. i mean, no friends dying and no attempts at getting a job at corporate america. but like, i also had thoughts of where i am, where i want to be, and if i'm going to stick to it til i reap in the rewards if i become successful.
i was really scared to turn a year older because i didn't want to "grow up". but then when it came, i just had to accept it. i had no choice but to accept it. looking back, it's not as hard as it looks. it's all a matter of acceptance and of commitment.
we open in 2 and a half weeks. i'm hoping lots of people would make time to see the show and i hope that we get to send our message across.
while i'm not yet 30, i guess i still have time to ask,
am i cut out to spend my time this way?
ANYWAY
i haven't blogged in a while because of my workload. rehearsals have been ending quite late already since we're opening pretty soon. been having different theatre people watch the runs so that we can get as much feedback as we can before presenting the show to our audience.
i just have to let this out: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD! haha, so far i've gotten compliments from REAL musical directors. i've been given lots of advice too. i'm learning SO MUCH i swear. meaning, it's good that i followed kang. he's right when he said i'll learn a lot from the experience.
we had a workshop activity before today's run. it was quite heavy, but very humbling. it's a good feeling to be vulnerable too sometimes. and i discovered so many things. i realized, even if i'm with these people everyday, i don't fully know them yet. i mean, i could even be just scratching the surface. we're so caught up with getting work done that we hardly get to know the people we're working with. i guess it's a good thing that even if we weren't ready to open up, we had no choice but to do so because everyone had a turn.
maybe the emotional baggage that was revealed to me during the activity was something i carried until after the run (and even until now). i had a deeper understanding of jon's monologue before "why", and i also had a deeper understanding of the song. it made me think of where i am now, if what i'm doing is something that i'd really want to do for the rest of my life, and if i'm going to succeed if i hold on to this. i know, unlike jon, 30 is still 9 and half years away for me. but then i kind of could relate to him, because that's kind of how i felt too before i turned 20. i mean, no friends dying and no attempts at getting a job at corporate america. but like, i also had thoughts of where i am, where i want to be, and if i'm going to stick to it til i reap in the rewards if i become successful.
i was really scared to turn a year older because i didn't want to "grow up". but then when it came, i just had to accept it. i had no choice but to accept it. looking back, it's not as hard as it looks. it's all a matter of acceptance and of commitment.
we open in 2 and a half weeks. i'm hoping lots of people would make time to see the show and i hope that we get to send our message across.
while i'm not yet 30, i guess i still have time to ask,
am i cut out to spend my time this way?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
day off! day off! day off!
since monday last week, i haven't had a rest day. so i guess it's three weeks of pauline and work mode. i'm working non-stop, without any rest days from june 29-july 17. WELL, that's hoping i won't be needed (or i won't feel the need) to go to rehearsal on the 18th. or maybe observe the rehearsals of the newbies.
OH GOD. I NEED A BREAK! i want at least one day to rest and be non-productive. or like get a massage. please? please? there's so much to do!
and yes, i feel the sickness coming back. coughing again, plus headache. this isn't such a good sign.
OH GOD. I NEED A BREAK! i want at least one day to rest and be non-productive. or like get a massage. please? please? there's so much to do!
and yes, i feel the sickness coming back. coughing again, plus headache. this isn't such a good sign.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
the bohemian life.
lundagin mo, beybe!
so the popular atenean saying goes. haha. and oh, LUNDAG, i did many times today!
i went to the ccp main theatre for a field trip for prod design. it felt awesome! i was thinking twice pa about going because i felt na i might get too tired by the time i reach rcbc. but then when i was there, i had no regrets. it kind of felt like that moment when autumn hurlbert and bailey hanks entered the palace theatre. haha. i saw people rehearsing, all those pulleys, went on stage, etc.
the guy who showed us around took us to the catwalk thing which was so high up. it's like, the place where they fix the lighting equipment, which is like, 60 feet high. we all wondered how it felt to be positioned up there, and since most of us have/had philo 101, we all decided to live by the mantra of fr. ferriols: LUNDAGIN MO, BEYBE! so we went, experienced, and felt it. FREAKY to be so high up! felt great after though.
then we went to the production design building, which i believe is made of win. i love their scene shop where they construct everything, the costume room, all those things. i envy how they have that whole complex dedicated to the arts. HELLO, in school, there's hardly any place for theatre. we have 3 college theatre groups who share one venue that doesn't even pass for a theatre. hay. why so stingy?
bj, rina and john dropped me off an mrt station because i had to go to rcbc for spelling bee. i was the lone bluerepper with 3 TA people, and it felt nice, sharing ideas, systems, etc.
i had lots of time to spare so i decided that maybe i could walk from the mrt station to rcbc. it was straight lang pala, so yeah, i walked. in philo terms "dinanas ko ang pagka-sidewalk ng sidewalk"... i just walked and walked and walked trusting my instincts that i'll get to my destination at some point. i took in everything i saw and just walked like makati is such a huge playground. i saw the cars at my side and i thought, they just stay on the road and pass things by. i was having a better experience than them because i had my own pace, took a good look at everything i saw, observed people and the environment in general.
when i got to rcbc, i didn't feel tired at all. there was an overwhelming feeling of jubilation because i thought of walking, i did it, and though i was having thoughts of getting a cab or something, i ditched all those thoughts and committed to what i really wanted to do. i did not FLAKE. so when i got to my destination, i was just very thankful.
i went to starbucks and studied for philo, but i also thought of writing realizations about my own experiences on paper. the ccp experience, the walking adventure, both seem so simple, but i feel much richer in experience because i know that i was crazy enough to entertain those thoughts. i felt like such a daredevil! :D it felt GREAT!
spelling bee opened tonight and it seems like a great run again. i'm glad to see people going out real happy. i hope they learned as much as i did.
oh, and my homework for theatre history is DONE! thanks, teacher chari!
at first it seemed like such a long day, but i took time to experience it, and it was well worth the effort. i even have lots of energy to spare!
thank you, god!
so the popular atenean saying goes. haha. and oh, LUNDAG, i did many times today!
i went to the ccp main theatre for a field trip for prod design. it felt awesome! i was thinking twice pa about going because i felt na i might get too tired by the time i reach rcbc. but then when i was there, i had no regrets. it kind of felt like that moment when autumn hurlbert and bailey hanks entered the palace theatre. haha. i saw people rehearsing, all those pulleys, went on stage, etc.
the guy who showed us around took us to the catwalk thing which was so high up. it's like, the place where they fix the lighting equipment, which is like, 60 feet high. we all wondered how it felt to be positioned up there, and since most of us have/had philo 101, we all decided to live by the mantra of fr. ferriols: LUNDAGIN MO, BEYBE! so we went, experienced, and felt it. FREAKY to be so high up! felt great after though.
then we went to the production design building, which i believe is made of win. i love their scene shop where they construct everything, the costume room, all those things. i envy how they have that whole complex dedicated to the arts. HELLO, in school, there's hardly any place for theatre. we have 3 college theatre groups who share one venue that doesn't even pass for a theatre. hay. why so stingy?
bj, rina and john dropped me off an mrt station because i had to go to rcbc for spelling bee. i was the lone bluerepper with 3 TA people, and it felt nice, sharing ideas, systems, etc.
i had lots of time to spare so i decided that maybe i could walk from the mrt station to rcbc. it was straight lang pala, so yeah, i walked. in philo terms "dinanas ko ang pagka-sidewalk ng sidewalk"... i just walked and walked and walked trusting my instincts that i'll get to my destination at some point. i took in everything i saw and just walked like makati is such a huge playground. i saw the cars at my side and i thought, they just stay on the road and pass things by. i was having a better experience than them because i had my own pace, took a good look at everything i saw, observed people and the environment in general.
when i got to rcbc, i didn't feel tired at all. there was an overwhelming feeling of jubilation because i thought of walking, i did it, and though i was having thoughts of getting a cab or something, i ditched all those thoughts and committed to what i really wanted to do. i did not FLAKE. so when i got to my destination, i was just very thankful.
i went to starbucks and studied for philo, but i also thought of writing realizations about my own experiences on paper. the ccp experience, the walking adventure, both seem so simple, but i feel much richer in experience because i know that i was crazy enough to entertain those thoughts. i felt like such a daredevil! :D it felt GREAT!
spelling bee opened tonight and it seems like a great run again. i'm glad to see people going out real happy. i hope they learned as much as i did.
oh, and my homework for theatre history is DONE! thanks, teacher chari!
at first it seemed like such a long day, but i took time to experience it, and it was well worth the effort. i even have lots of energy to spare!
thank you, god!
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