the tick tick booms are getting softer now. or not.

WE'RE OPENING IN A FEW HOURS!

just last weekend i had my major breakdown for this production because i saw the run and felt that the show wasn't where i wanted it to be. i wanted it seamless, beautiful, in sync, PERFECT. hell, i worked so hard to get things right, devoted my breaks to learning notes that i hardly even know how to read, working with the very limited resources that i have, so it better be the perfect show that i had in my head.

since the start of june during the auditions, i had very strong visions of this production. i listened to my ipod more than usual, listening to every note, making sure i'm not missing out on anything. i made sure i had the timing down pat, i made sure i understood the songs. during idle time, i'd read, make notes, try to look for patterns both in the text and in the music. i don't know how much i've worked, but i have to admit, i'm still not tired. i want to create, i will create. i want to keep working no matter what.

by the time rehearsals came, i also sacrificed a lot of my time to attend to cast members who may need help. i sought for help from outside resources when i felt that their needs are far beyond what i can give. nevermind pride and insecurity. when i needed other people to help me, i immediately shunned thoughts of me being ineffective because i knew that i needed help and that it would be for the best.

maybe, that's the reason i broke down when i heard the words "ate, bakit ang waley waley nilang kumanta?"... i cried even harder last thursday, when i went to acting class and my teacher asked why i was absent the previous week. i told him that i had to attend to the show that i'm doing and he told me that it's not a valid reason and that he's questioning my sense of commitment. i didn't know how to react. i was distracted for the rest of the 3-hour class. i felt that he wouldn't say that if it were his show i attended to. why take it against me that i'm working on something that i've learned to love? why question my commitment, when it was only commitment that i could give, and it was what i gave. i cut class because i wanted something better, and i have to admit, it was worth every single heartbeat that i spent away from class. sure, i'm not being graded for my work in Tick Tick Boom. i guess that's what makes it even more worth my while. it's pure passion that moves me. that's why i guess that whole questioning my commitment thing is something i won't forgive. it's wrong to hate, but i just have to.

i've dealt with a lot in the course of mounting this production. now that we're facing opening night, i couldn't be more thankful. i was a mess during the preview last night, making sure everything was in tip top shape. i picked a seat in front of the tech booth so that i can signal the tech booth people about the volume levels. i ended up not using the said seat as i stood the entire time, restless, hugging the white care bear that i finally took out of the box after 8 months.

preview night was marvelous. they made a few mistakes in their harmonies, but i didn't care anymore. we have a show. we're ready to open and i just couldn't be prouder of what the show has become. i was just so overwhelmed that there was a crowd, that they were watching the show, that there, right in front of me was a product of my hard work and all the situations and the words that i had to endure.

we're opening in around 4 hours. i'm sure it's going to be great!