A Moment of Such Peace

Here’s to growing up and moving forward.

The past five months was a ride I had to take, maybe a rite of passage, a choice that I made right, and a mistake I had to learn from. 

It was a good experience, having to be on the other side of the fence and trying out things that I’ve never done before. I guess it was also a chance for me to learn how my words and my actions affect other people. I guess it was also the lack of words and actions that led me here, and maybe it’s for the best.

When this month comes to a close, I will be leaving my post in the company I’m currently working with. I will be living a life which I value even more now. I still don’t know what I will do, but being enveloped in the uncertain is surprisingly something that gives me so much comfort.

I immersed myself in the theatre this week, watching shows and being with people I may have lost a bit of contact with. It felt good, and it felt right, being in the company of people who know what I have done and what I have always wanted to do. At the end of it all, I felt the sense of belonging that I haven’t felt in what seems to be such a long time!

I may have exceeded the quota for life talks this week. I was able to talk to a former teacher (who also happens to be my boss). I don’t know how long it lasted, but for a time, it felt so comforting to know that she still looks at a part of me as the fourteen-year old that she knew. I don’t know how she feels about this whole ordeal, but I’m thankful anyway that it happened. When she told me I could go, I let out a sigh of relief, maybe a sign that we made a good decision.

My best friend talked to me right after. It was the day of our anniversary, and it’s been nine years since we promised to be with each other until we reach our deathbeds. Funny how, nine years ago, we were so afraid of me moving to another school because we wouldn’t see each other as much. Wow! What a problem to have, and how unadventurous were we? When I told her I was resigning, it felt like New Year’s Day all over again, except it’s a few months late!

My sister’s boyfriend gave me a speech, telling me that this is a milestone, and that greater things are bound to happen. He and ate knew I wasn’t happy anymore, and have been wondering when I would pull the plug. 

The following night, I missed the first act of Charlie Brown. I talked to someone who’s never failed to guide me since day one. I learned so much about the things I’ve done and the people I’ve encountered along the way. I also learned what’s good, what’s normal and what’s bullshit. I was an emotional wreck, but it’s nice to be with someone who understands me and my tears. Somehow, I felt shaken and have been awakened since. We went inside the theatre to catch the second act, laughed out loud, felt giddy upon hearing the first bars of our favorite songs, and cried so hard over the song, Happiness. I guess I was so much in awe at the fact that I could finally say that I’m happy. I have been asked that question so many times in the past months, and it’s always been so hard to answer.

I also got to talk to the people I currently work with. I don’t know how they feel, but I know that everything will be okay, if not better. I learned that they didn’t know I was doing something I’ve never done before, and that clarified a lot of things! I learned that common sense is relative. Common sense does not exist, because there’s no such thing as common. There is such a thing though as historicity, which did not cross our minds while we were at it.

I needed this weekend, and I know that a little over a day has rejuvenated me and even excited me for the days to come. I still have less than a month to do the things I have to do, and I know it still won’t be a bed of roses. Who knows, it might be even tougher, given the circumstances. For now, I’ll just hold on to the fact that I have come to terms with myself. I’ve been wishing for that for a while now.

The world just got so much bigger again. I can’t wait to explore it!

Growing Pains

Sometimes when I go to work, I feel like I go to the office, only to wait for my stepdad to text me that it's time to go home. It's not that I have been idle, but maybe that's really what I'm waiting for.

I don't know if this is something that I can call a "falling out" phase, because it's only been a little over three months since I started, and I haven't really fallen IN.

Is this PMS?

But really, at a time when half my Twitter and Facebook timelines are composed of things concerning the law, about law students studying and living a life with allowance from their parents, it makes me wonder, what if I did listen to my 10-year old self and studied law? What if I buried myself in books (of every form and thickness and font size) instead of drowning in music? What would I be doing if I weren't in an office? How long am I going to be here, anyway?

The coming of the new year made me think a lot about the decisions I have made in 2011, and what I would like to experience in 2012. Am I where I want to be? Not exactly, but I'm surviving anyway. Am I so poor to be doing something other than pouring myself into my art? I don't think I should be content in this setting - only seeking for survival instead of achieving self-actualization. Why am I doing this? Why am I here? What am I doing wrong and what should I do to rectify this, if this IS a mistake?

I figured, with the way life is going right now, I am more than willing to grab every opportunity that comes my way. I'm performing in blueREP's 20th anniversary concert, which is VERY comforting. Honestly, I miss breathing life into music sheets, be it for singing, teaching, or instrumentation. I don't know if that's something I can eventually do in this environment, because right now, all I do with music sheets are printing and photocopying them, until they get to their respective recipients.

It's funny how, now that I'm out of school, I've become more interested in getting out there and exploring other things that I might like to do. In high school and in college, I was so focused on wanting just one thing, which right now is… so close yet so far. I hope it's not too late in the game for me to consider other alternatives. As I always believed in college, it's good to want more, great to get more, but I should also learn to work with what I'm given.

Maybe it did not make sense before, but I've been thinking about it, and have already declared openness to moving to another country. It's the fifth year of our immigration application this year, and I don't know if the decision is coming this year. I used to be very much against it, saying that there's so much work for me here, my friends are here, my dog is here, and a bunch of other things. With the way things have turned out, I suddenly found myself in a family lunch the other week, telling my mom that I would be glad to move to another country. I mean, who knows what's in store for me if I don't say yes to it? Also, at this point, why should I even be afraid, when I've been going through so much here? Honestly, I don't know how things could get worse from hereon in. If there's such a thing as something worse than this, then it would be my honor to learn from it. This is the farthest I have gone away from my comfort zone, and I have to admit, it hurts. It hurts a lot and I want to go back to a safe place where I could be myself without having to worry about what my superiors would think about me.

What happened to me? I used to be so strong and so focused and so free! The world around me has taught me to become cautious, and I find it so hard to adjust. Funny how, as my world gets bigger, the more I feel limited.

So maybe I'm going to have to make more sacrifices. However, I really hope that soon enough, I would get this all figured out.

Thanksgiving

I woke up to all these tweets about thanksgiving, heard people talking about going home early to catch thanksgiving dinner,  and saw sunny smiles throughout the day, celebrating a holiday that isn't even ours.

It's a good thing to celebrate though, taking an entire day to think about everything that we should be thankful for. With the way my life is going (maybe all too fast), it was hard to stop and think of something I am thankful for, apart from my family and my friends, of course. Other than that, I tried searching, but I didn't really find anything to dedicate thanksgiving to.

Honestly, it was a bad day. I didn't want to go out and talk to anyone because I know that every waking moment means that I have to work. God knows how desperate I am for a break. People tell me to be thankful because I have work, and it means that people trust me because I have work. However, I can only do so much, and there is such a thing as too much. Heck, I'm only 22! I know I won't grow any taller, but I need my sleep just as much as the next person! Sometimes I try to play with my dog when I get home, and he doesn't even mind me anymore because I just go home to get as much sleep as I can. Point is, I'M SO TIRED. Why should I be thankful for this, when I don't even know if it's worth it?

While the show was running, I finally let my guard down. I felt that there was nothing to be thankful for because things just aren't going my way. I'm doing things just because they have to be done, not because I want them. There are so many people looking for me and talking to me and I just want to disappear because FUCK THEM ALL, I AM NOT THEIRS! I did not spend the last 19 years in school just to do this! It might be just the first step, but HELLO, if my diploma could talk, I'm sure it would ask me so many questions.

I want to be able to exhale again. Or maybe to stop breathing.

Little did I know that all I had to do was make a phone call when I was at my worst. In 10 minutes or so, I finally stopped crying and broke into a smile. That's when I realized: I am thankful for someone who knows when I need comfort. I am thankful for someone who knows what to say when I'm being irrational. I am thankful for a friend who gives me a reason to hold on, because she's been there and has sacrificed a lot of things as well. I am thankful for the one who makes me smile not because I have to, but because I want to.

I am thankful that it wasn't too late to celebrate Thanksgiving, because I found something to be thankful for, just as the day was about to end.

It may have been a good day after all. I could only hope that tomorrow would bring better things.

Missing the Mountains

The days at work have been really long lately. In a span of a week and two days, I've already accumulated more than a day in overtime hours, and it does not even end there yet! God knows how tired I already am, but I'm not the kind of person who gives up on something I think I can't handle. It's not easy to live in the far end of Quezon City and go to Makati seven days a week. I wake up three whole hours before my call time, and at that rate, I'm still late by a few minutes.

I miss my life.

Weeks ago, I was doing music direction for blueREP's newbie production. I spent my time in Katipunan from late afternoon to late evening, teaching newbies, learning from newbies, and having the most enriching time. At present, I spend my days (and nights) in an office in Makati, with occasional errands and with a bazillion things to do. I talk to people far more experienced than me. I'm actually learning SO MUCH, but I kind of feel empty because I feel like I'm at the tail end of things. It kinda sucks that I'm learning, but I'm not able to pass it on to someone. 

Staying for an hour or so in Katipunan after work tonight made me feel comfortable, at least for a while. I saw that it was only 10:30pm so I rejoiced at the fact that Moonleaf was still open. It's been a while since I had legit milk tea. When I got there, I saw John (and I was chatting with him online in the morning!) and when I got off the car, Jim was there too! Maybe it was the longing for familiar faces, in a familiar setting. I was nearly in tears when I greeted them!

Maybe I'm just tired. I haven't had the chance to sleep in, I have a bazillion tv shows to catch up on, my best friend and I have a little over a week left until we go back to living in different time zones. Maybe I just want to go home early, sleep for more than 5 hours, and maybe spend time with people who matter a lot to me.

Maybe I'm just being a brat. Maybe I just want to go back to being a bum, at least for a week. Maybe I don't really give a fuck about not earning anything. Maybe I just miss being carefree. Maybe I'm just shocked at how my lifestyle has undergone a drastic change. After all, I'm not really very good at adjusting right away. On the outside, I think it seems y, but I'm good at hiding things like that.

Seriously though, I miss college. I miss the simplicity of it, and I do miss being home. I miss going to the Fine Arts Office to bother or be there for whoever's inside. I miss hanging out in the blueREP room, doing nothing and just watching tv shows even if we should be studying. I miss feeling the passion that only college theatre can bring.

I want my old life back. The real world is disgusting.

Starting Over… Again.

Updating this thing after more than a year, due to a friend's request. I must say, I'm quite flattered. Totally did not know someone liked looking into my thoughts.

I just finished reading all the entries in this blog. It's painful, to say the least. I read some things that do not make sense to me anymore, I read some things that made me thankful for where I am now, and I read forgotten promises to myself.

Where am I, what did I want to become, and what have I become since then?

It's not that I do not like where I am. Don't get me wrong on that one. I just feel that, honestly, I have been very giving. There were a lot of things that I let go of in college. I let a lot of opportunities pass because I found comfort in giving other people a chance. Thing is, I've been very giving, except to myself.

A lot has changed since I last let my mind find the right words for my heart. There are still SO MANY things I want to do for other people and for myself!!! I'm still young, but who knows how much time we all have left? Most importantly, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

There are too many questions and the answers are all incomprehensible. Maybe, I need to stop, think of where I am, and find ways to move forward instead of changing directions.

Reading blog entries of a college senior full of complaints, hoping to change the world, and sticking to her ideals, is something that kept me awake tonight, in spite of the early call time tomorrow/later. Am I done with wanting only the best for myself? Have I finally been welcomed into the big, bad world?