unfortunately, it's not a dream.

I started writing on a journal on the day I got in the cast of Edges. I bought a notebook (just a cheapo one but decent-looking because I couldn't find a Moleskine and I was desperate to start writing) which I use until now whenever I'm in class and I don't feel like listening. I also bought a box of 64 Crayola Crayons and Steadtler pens to make journaling time more colorful. Nothing beats having lots of crayons to match whatever mood I'm in, drawing all sorts of lines on blank journal pages. I can't draw to save my life, so I turn to abstract art. HAH.

A lot has happened in the past months. There was Zanna Don't, I'm AD again of blueREP, I had summer classes (GROSS, I know), I performed in Edges, I made new friends, I restarted relationships with long-lost friends, the list goes on. I started senior year, I'm working on my thesis fundraiser and my thesis proper, I'm catching up on school work, I'm looking for work, the list goes on as well.

One thing that stuck when I did Edges, which I still believe in, is that the stakes are getting higher and higher as we grow up. From identifying the colors in a box of 8 crayons, to learning the letters of the alphabet, to adding, to long division, to learning the MLA and APA formats, to philosophizing, to thesis-writing, I could only imagine how much growth has happened. I'm not even halfway done with life yet!

It sucks how that happens. I used to worry about which toy to ask for when I get awards in school. I used to think I would be sentenced to death when I say the word "shit". I used to be so idealistic that I get really mad when things don't happen the way I wanted them to. Now I worry about what job I'm going to get after graduating, now I think I would sentence myself to death when my dreams don't come true. Now, I'm still idealistic, but I've learned to accept that things won't always go my way and I have to work with that.

I don't want the coming months to happen. I'm sick of experiencing growing pains and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle things. I hate how people get closer only when it's time for one to go away. As a child, I remember how it felt like the world was going to end when your best friend is moving elsewhere. The world has gotten smaller since, thanks to the internet and social networking. It's going to be hard to send text messages to someone who won't reply. Or maybe I'll get a reply and watch our phone bills skyrocket. It's going to be hard to adjust to time differences because one of us will be online while the other would be asleep, and vice versa. It's going to be hard to do shows because I know there would be one less person to cheer me on. It's going to be hard to find someone to talk to because I've never been more comfortable when it comes to sharing all my issues - be it about my family or my own insecurities and dreams and fears.

Things got better a little less than a year ago. Why should it go back down?

I know it's wrong, but please allow me to be immature, at least for a while.