still i remain quiet

Yesterday was so crazy, I’m glad it’s over.

Or maybe not. Maybe yesterday was just the start of things that are bound to get worse. Holy mother. I don’t want any more stress!!!

For now I just want to rant about the OAS of the Ateneo. Thank you for closing up at 10:58AM, two minutes short of your supposed lunch break. Oh, and it’s the only office I know with a lunch break that’s two and a half hours long! Saan kayo naglulunch, sa Heat? Good god.

I’m thinking I should blame it on the hormones, but after much discernment, everything that’s happening now is really quite hard to handle. It’s a period where I’m discovering so much about myself and about other people. It’s affecting relationships. I don’t know how to deal.

On the bright side though, it was also yesterday when I learned the importance of appreciating simplicity. When I went to my voice lesson, we focused on singing simply. There were no attempts at all to make my voice fill the room – all I had to do was to sing as if no one was watching. I did. It was small, yes, but it really felt like I was just letting go of everything that’s clouding my mind right now. The sound that came out was small but it was in its purest form. It just sounded like every note meant a lot to me. I was really able to connect with myself, and for a moment, I forgot about all the things I’m going through.

When I went back to school, shit happened. It was not even about the pre-thesis fiasco because that whole thing just angered me instead of making me sad. It’s something that dawned on me that drove me insane; I found it really hard to focus during acting class. I’m really a sucker for attachment so it’s hard for me to let go of people who matter. Anyway, class ended and I got a text message and suddenly I was in tears. My teacher saw me and asked if I was okay. I felt a bit shy because I don’t want people to think I’m weak, so I told her it was nothing and that she shouldn’t see me like that. She suddenly gave me a hug and told me that she’s just gonna be around if ever I needed someone. Officially one of the nicest people I know!!!

I can’t believe how yesterday was unbearably heavy, and today is less heavy, but still not light. I’m waiting for the balance to come around.