shake it off

I don't even give a fuck anymore. I don't know if this is out for the kill, I don't know what would become of me after this, but I'm just pissed.

I'm aware that we're carrying a certain name, that we're trying to go for the whole branding thing, but to say that we cannot produce something good? Thank you so much for the trust. It's not like you haven't seen me pull a miracle. Hello. I don't even know what made you say such things, but just so you know, I'm not going to let this pass. I hated you before, I tried to understand you, but here you go again. I don't even want to hear any explanation. I'm just not going to listen.

Oh, and thank you for wasting my time. If this whole thing does not happen, THANK YOU. Thank you for the countless hours I spent arguing like it mattered, just to secure some fucking place that is not even decent. Seriously, that's all you can offer? That's all we have? It's disgusting. I can't believe I even fought for it. I already have plans the day after the supposed closing. I HATE when my schedule has to change because that's how much I value my time. That's how much I think about my work and I do not want anyone meddling with my schedule.

What's even more disgusting is that it was hard for me to gain a liking for the piece. Even until now, I don't like the material. It's not like I had a choice. But then since I do not tolerate inefficiency, I still said yes. Right now, all that I want is to get things done so I can already move on. September and October are going to be filled to the brim from Monday to Sunday. I won't have any breaks and I've already prepared myself for that.

I'm just going to sing tomorrow and the day after that. I will also get revenge in the process.

still i remain quiet

Yesterday was so crazy, I’m glad it’s over.

Or maybe not. Maybe yesterday was just the start of things that are bound to get worse. Holy mother. I don’t want any more stress!!!

For now I just want to rant about the OAS of the Ateneo. Thank you for closing up at 10:58AM, two minutes short of your supposed lunch break. Oh, and it’s the only office I know with a lunch break that’s two and a half hours long! Saan kayo naglulunch, sa Heat? Good god.

I’m thinking I should blame it on the hormones, but after much discernment, everything that’s happening now is really quite hard to handle. It’s a period where I’m discovering so much about myself and about other people. It’s affecting relationships. I don’t know how to deal.

On the bright side though, it was also yesterday when I learned the importance of appreciating simplicity. When I went to my voice lesson, we focused on singing simply. There were no attempts at all to make my voice fill the room – all I had to do was to sing as if no one was watching. I did. It was small, yes, but it really felt like I was just letting go of everything that’s clouding my mind right now. The sound that came out was small but it was in its purest form. It just sounded like every note meant a lot to me. I was really able to connect with myself, and for a moment, I forgot about all the things I’m going through.

When I went back to school, shit happened. It was not even about the pre-thesis fiasco because that whole thing just angered me instead of making me sad. It’s something that dawned on me that drove me insane; I found it really hard to focus during acting class. I’m really a sucker for attachment so it’s hard for me to let go of people who matter. Anyway, class ended and I got a text message and suddenly I was in tears. My teacher saw me and asked if I was okay. I felt a bit shy because I don’t want people to think I’m weak, so I told her it was nothing and that she shouldn’t see me like that. She suddenly gave me a hug and told me that she’s just gonna be around if ever I needed someone. Officially one of the nicest people I know!!!

I can’t believe how yesterday was unbearably heavy, and today is less heavy, but still not light. I’m waiting for the balance to come around.

the ferocity is just beginning.

I AM SO EXCITED TO HAVE THAT AARON TVEIT TARP DONE!!! I CANNOT WAIT!!!

Such an irony how badly I want this week and next week to be over, but I don't want September to come. September should just get lost. I kind of want time to work backwards somehow. If that can't happen, I wish some things could just stay the way they are. I don't want people disappearing.

I made a pretty nice driving playlist so that I can sing to and from school. It's a good mix of theater songs and some orchestral music. I'm really picky with my music. As a child I liked pop, but now I just want to hear show tunes and orchestras making magic. Anyway, I forgot that I put this song called "Now" by Scott Alan, which totally sums up all the things I'm afraid I might say in the near future. Driving along Commonwealth has never been that emotional. Maybe it's just my hormones acting up, but seriously, that felt really really heavy.

I don't know where and how I'm gonna pick up after that. Attachment is a bitch.

In other news, things have just gone from stressful to stressfullest (using poetic license)!! The OAS is being a bitch and I don't even know where to start ranting about that whole ordeal. I've got midterms, reports, projects, and a shitload of readings to deal with. Oh and I have thesis too!! Joel said yesterday that he likes busy people because busy people are the only ones who get things done. I like that.

I had my grad pic taken yesterday, and with the work I'm doing now, graduation better happen! I wish I had Aaron Tveit to cheer me up. Or the man of my dreams, if you know what I mean.

Okay enough.

I'm promising myself that the next blog will be coherent. Wish me luck!

sleep-all-day

I think it's really a bad thing to have sleep-all-day days in the middle of a semester.

After going to Katipunan on Saturday for a rehearsal, I went home and just stayed home. The night before, I had a 12-hour sleep but I still made it to class. I've been sleeping a lot this weekend, which might be the reason I'm awake at 4am on a Monday. My alarm's scheduled to drive me insane at 9am, but then I have a paper to work on, a pre-thesis play to work on (and memorize) and a long test in a few hours.

I slept the entire weekend with hardly any work done. OH. DOOMED, I AM.

Personally, I think it sucks that teachers say "enjoy your weekend" on Thursdays/Fridays when they themselves are the ones giving us a shitload of work to do during those weekends. Yeah right. Enjoy your weekend by reading textbooks in preparation for midterms.

Go to hell, bitches!

It's not even funny that there are 3-page essays to be done at a day's notice. It's the weekend, people!!! WORK SHOULD NOT EXIST.

Haha I know I'm just being lazy, but what the hell!!! God knows how many things I'm working on during weekdays! I'm not even getting paid!!!

The school shit I'm working on better be worth it. Don't even try giving me a hard time. I'm overdosing on chill pills. Shhhhhhhhhhh...

unfortunately, it's not a dream.

I started writing on a journal on the day I got in the cast of Edges. I bought a notebook (just a cheapo one but decent-looking because I couldn't find a Moleskine and I was desperate to start writing) which I use until now whenever I'm in class and I don't feel like listening. I also bought a box of 64 Crayola Crayons and Steadtler pens to make journaling time more colorful. Nothing beats having lots of crayons to match whatever mood I'm in, drawing all sorts of lines on blank journal pages. I can't draw to save my life, so I turn to abstract art. HAH.

A lot has happened in the past months. There was Zanna Don't, I'm AD again of blueREP, I had summer classes (GROSS, I know), I performed in Edges, I made new friends, I restarted relationships with long-lost friends, the list goes on. I started senior year, I'm working on my thesis fundraiser and my thesis proper, I'm catching up on school work, I'm looking for work, the list goes on as well.

One thing that stuck when I did Edges, which I still believe in, is that the stakes are getting higher and higher as we grow up. From identifying the colors in a box of 8 crayons, to learning the letters of the alphabet, to adding, to long division, to learning the MLA and APA formats, to philosophizing, to thesis-writing, I could only imagine how much growth has happened. I'm not even halfway done with life yet!

It sucks how that happens. I used to worry about which toy to ask for when I get awards in school. I used to think I would be sentenced to death when I say the word "shit". I used to be so idealistic that I get really mad when things don't happen the way I wanted them to. Now I worry about what job I'm going to get after graduating, now I think I would sentence myself to death when my dreams don't come true. Now, I'm still idealistic, but I've learned to accept that things won't always go my way and I have to work with that.

I don't want the coming months to happen. I'm sick of experiencing growing pains and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle things. I hate how people get closer only when it's time for one to go away. As a child, I remember how it felt like the world was going to end when your best friend is moving elsewhere. The world has gotten smaller since, thanks to the internet and social networking. It's going to be hard to send text messages to someone who won't reply. Or maybe I'll get a reply and watch our phone bills skyrocket. It's going to be hard to adjust to time differences because one of us will be online while the other would be asleep, and vice versa. It's going to be hard to do shows because I know there would be one less person to cheer me on. It's going to be hard to find someone to talk to because I've never been more comfortable when it comes to sharing all my issues - be it about my family or my own insecurities and dreams and fears.

Things got better a little less than a year ago. Why should it go back down?

I know it's wrong, but please allow me to be immature, at least for a while.

starting over

I haven't blogged in a while, and suddenly my livejournal seems so old and immature.

Let's see where this goes. Hello, blogspot.com! :D