spending my time this way.

today i did something i've never done before. it feels funny. on the way home, i was in the road near UP, basta the one going to ayala heights, and it's like 5 lanes which merge into one lane. so a lot of people are aggravated and making singit all over. it was my turn na to go to the single lane then this asshole driver didn't want to let me pass. he opened his window and waved at me. it was my first time ever to say fuck you and raise my middle finger to a person driving another car. i dunno. the gesture has become a reflex lately (like when my friends say something weird, i raise my middle finger instead of saying "gago" or something. i know, i know, i have to stop it asap). the guy on the other car laughed. he kind of had this look that showed like he knows me, or maybe i know him from somewhere, but i couldn't really tell. anyway, he smiled and let me pass. i got humbled so i wanted to do something to say thank you. i got my permanent pen and got paper, then wrote THANKS! and put a smiley under it. then i opened my window and showed it to the car behind mine. oh, pauline.

ANYWAY

i haven't blogged in a while because of my workload. rehearsals have been ending quite late already since we're opening pretty soon. been having different theatre people watch the runs so that we can get as much feedback as we can before presenting the show to our audience.

i just have to let this out: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD! haha, so far i've gotten compliments from REAL musical directors. i've been given lots of advice too. i'm learning SO MUCH i swear. meaning, it's good that i followed kang. he's right when he said i'll learn a lot from the experience.

we had a workshop activity before today's run. it was quite heavy, but very humbling. it's a good feeling to be vulnerable too sometimes. and i discovered so many things. i realized, even if i'm with these people everyday, i don't fully know them yet. i mean, i could even be just scratching the surface. we're so caught up with getting work done that we hardly get to know the people we're working with. i guess it's a good thing that even if we weren't ready to open up, we had no choice but to do so because everyone had a turn.

maybe the emotional baggage that was revealed to me during the activity was something i carried until after the run (and even until now). i had a deeper understanding of jon's monologue before "why", and i also had a deeper understanding of the song. it made me think of where i am now, if what i'm doing is something that i'd really want to do for the rest of my life, and if i'm going to succeed if i hold on to this. i know, unlike jon, 30 is still 9 and half years away for me. but then i kind of could relate to him, because that's kind of how i felt too before i turned 20. i mean, no friends dying and no attempts at getting a job at corporate america. but like, i also had thoughts of where i am, where i want to be, and if i'm going to stick to it til i reap in the rewards if i become successful.

i was really scared to turn a year older because i didn't want to "grow up". but then when it came, i just had to accept it. i had no choice but to accept it. looking back, it's not as hard as it looks. it's all a matter of acceptance and of commitment.

we open in 2 and a half weeks. i'm hoping lots of people would make time to see the show and i hope that we get to send our message across.

while i'm not yet 30, i guess i still have time to ask,

am i cut out to spend my time this way?