I don't know if this is something that I can call a "falling out" phase, because it's only been a little over three months since I started, and I haven't really fallen IN.
Is this PMS?
But really, at a time when half my Twitter and Facebook timelines are composed of things concerning the law, about law students studying and living a life with allowance from their parents, it makes me wonder, what if I did listen to my 10-year old self and studied law? What if I buried myself in books (of every form and thickness and font size) instead of drowning in music? What would I be doing if I weren't in an office? How long am I going to be here, anyway?
The coming of the new year made me think a lot about the decisions I have made in 2011, and what I would like to experience in 2012. Am I where I want to be? Not exactly, but I'm surviving anyway. Am I so poor to be doing something other than pouring myself into my art? I don't think I should be content in this setting - only seeking for survival instead of achieving self-actualization. Why am I doing this? Why am I here? What am I doing wrong and what should I do to rectify this, if this IS a mistake?
I figured, with the way life is going right now, I am more than willing to grab every opportunity that comes my way. I'm performing in blueREP's 20th anniversary concert, which is VERY comforting. Honestly, I miss breathing life into music sheets, be it for singing, teaching, or instrumentation. I don't know if that's something I can eventually do in this environment, because right now, all I do with music sheets are printing and photocopying them, until they get to their respective recipients.
It's funny how, now that I'm out of school, I've become more interested in getting out there and exploring other things that I might like to do. In high school and in college, I was so focused on wanting just one thing, which right now is… so close yet so far. I hope it's not too late in the game for me to consider other alternatives. As I always believed in college, it's good to want more, great to get more, but I should also learn to work with what I'm given.
Maybe it did not make sense before, but I've been thinking about it, and have already declared openness to moving to another country. It's the fifth year of our immigration application this year, and I don't know if the decision is coming this year. I used to be very much against it, saying that there's so much work for me here, my friends are here, my dog is here, and a bunch of other things. With the way things have turned out, I suddenly found myself in a family lunch the other week, telling my mom that I would be glad to move to another country. I mean, who knows what's in store for me if I don't say yes to it? Also, at this point, why should I even be afraid, when I've been going through so much here? Honestly, I don't know how things could get worse from hereon in. If there's such a thing as something worse than this, then it would be my honor to learn from it. This is the farthest I have gone away from my comfort zone, and I have to admit, it hurts. It hurts a lot and I want to go back to a safe place where I could be myself without having to worry about what my superiors would think about me.
What happened to me? I used to be so strong and so focused and so free! The world around me has taught me to become cautious, and I find it so hard to adjust. Funny how, as my world gets bigger, the more I feel limited.
So maybe I'm going to have to make more sacrifices. However, I really hope that soon enough, I would get this all figured out.
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