Here’s to growing up and moving forward.
The past five months was a ride I had to take, maybe a rite of passage, a choice that I made right, and a mistake I had to learn from.
It was a good experience, having to be on the other side of the fence and trying out things that I’ve never done before. I guess it was also a chance for me to learn how my words and my actions affect other people. I guess it was also the lack of words and actions that led me here, and maybe it’s for the best.
When this month comes to a close, I will be leaving my post in the company I’m currently working with. I will be living a life which I value even more now. I still don’t know what I will do, but being enveloped in the uncertain is surprisingly something that gives me so much comfort.
I immersed myself in the theatre this week, watching shows and being with people I may have lost a bit of contact with. It felt good, and it felt right, being in the company of people who know what I have done and what I have always wanted to do. At the end of it all, I felt the sense of belonging that I haven’t felt in what seems to be such a long time!
I may have exceeded the quota for life talks this week. I was able to talk to a former teacher (who also happens to be my boss). I don’t know how long it lasted, but for a time, it felt so comforting to know that she still looks at a part of me as the fourteen-year old that she knew. I don’t know how she feels about this whole ordeal, but I’m thankful anyway that it happened. When she told me I could go, I let out a sigh of relief, maybe a sign that we made a good decision.
My best friend talked to me right after. It was the day of our anniversary, and it’s been nine years since we promised to be with each other until we reach our deathbeds. Funny how, nine years ago, we were so afraid of me moving to another school because we wouldn’t see each other as much. Wow! What a problem to have, and how unadventurous were we? When I told her I was resigning, it felt like New Year’s Day all over again, except it’s a few months late!
My sister’s boyfriend gave me a speech, telling me that this is a milestone, and that greater things are bound to happen. He and ate knew I wasn’t happy anymore, and have been wondering when I would pull the plug.
The following night, I missed the first act of Charlie Brown. I talked to someone who’s never failed to guide me since day one. I learned so much about the things I’ve done and the people I’ve encountered along the way. I also learned what’s good, what’s normal and what’s bullshit. I was an emotional wreck, but it’s nice to be with someone who understands me and my tears. Somehow, I felt shaken and have been awakened since. We went inside the theatre to catch the second act, laughed out loud, felt giddy upon hearing the first bars of our favorite songs, and cried so hard over the song, Happiness. I guess I was so much in awe at the fact that I could finally say that I’m happy. I have been asked that question so many times in the past months, and it’s always been so hard to answer.
I also got to talk to the people I currently work with. I don’t know how they feel, but I know that everything will be okay, if not better. I learned that they didn’t know I was doing something I’ve never done before, and that clarified a lot of things! I learned that common sense is relative. Common sense does not exist, because there’s no such thing as common. There is such a thing though as historicity, which did not cross our minds while we were at it.
I needed this weekend, and I know that a little over a day has rejuvenated me and even excited me for the days to come. I still have less than a month to do the things I have to do, and I know it still won’t be a bed of roses. Who knows, it might be even tougher, given the circumstances. For now, I’ll just hold on to the fact that I have come to terms with myself. I’ve been wishing for that for a while now.
The world just got so much bigger again. I can’t wait to explore it!
