Thanksgiving

I woke up to all these tweets about thanksgiving, heard people talking about going home early to catch thanksgiving dinner,  and saw sunny smiles throughout the day, celebrating a holiday that isn't even ours.

It's a good thing to celebrate though, taking an entire day to think about everything that we should be thankful for. With the way my life is going (maybe all too fast), it was hard to stop and think of something I am thankful for, apart from my family and my friends, of course. Other than that, I tried searching, but I didn't really find anything to dedicate thanksgiving to.

Honestly, it was a bad day. I didn't want to go out and talk to anyone because I know that every waking moment means that I have to work. God knows how desperate I am for a break. People tell me to be thankful because I have work, and it means that people trust me because I have work. However, I can only do so much, and there is such a thing as too much. Heck, I'm only 22! I know I won't grow any taller, but I need my sleep just as much as the next person! Sometimes I try to play with my dog when I get home, and he doesn't even mind me anymore because I just go home to get as much sleep as I can. Point is, I'M SO TIRED. Why should I be thankful for this, when I don't even know if it's worth it?

While the show was running, I finally let my guard down. I felt that there was nothing to be thankful for because things just aren't going my way. I'm doing things just because they have to be done, not because I want them. There are so many people looking for me and talking to me and I just want to disappear because FUCK THEM ALL, I AM NOT THEIRS! I did not spend the last 19 years in school just to do this! It might be just the first step, but HELLO, if my diploma could talk, I'm sure it would ask me so many questions.

I want to be able to exhale again. Or maybe to stop breathing.

Little did I know that all I had to do was make a phone call when I was at my worst. In 10 minutes or so, I finally stopped crying and broke into a smile. That's when I realized: I am thankful for someone who knows when I need comfort. I am thankful for someone who knows what to say when I'm being irrational. I am thankful for a friend who gives me a reason to hold on, because she's been there and has sacrificed a lot of things as well. I am thankful for the one who makes me smile not because I have to, but because I want to.

I am thankful that it wasn't too late to celebrate Thanksgiving, because I found something to be thankful for, just as the day was about to end.

It may have been a good day after all. I could only hope that tomorrow would bring better things.

Missing the Mountains

The days at work have been really long lately. In a span of a week and two days, I've already accumulated more than a day in overtime hours, and it does not even end there yet! God knows how tired I already am, but I'm not the kind of person who gives up on something I think I can't handle. It's not easy to live in the far end of Quezon City and go to Makati seven days a week. I wake up three whole hours before my call time, and at that rate, I'm still late by a few minutes.

I miss my life.

Weeks ago, I was doing music direction for blueREP's newbie production. I spent my time in Katipunan from late afternoon to late evening, teaching newbies, learning from newbies, and having the most enriching time. At present, I spend my days (and nights) in an office in Makati, with occasional errands and with a bazillion things to do. I talk to people far more experienced than me. I'm actually learning SO MUCH, but I kind of feel empty because I feel like I'm at the tail end of things. It kinda sucks that I'm learning, but I'm not able to pass it on to someone. 

Staying for an hour or so in Katipunan after work tonight made me feel comfortable, at least for a while. I saw that it was only 10:30pm so I rejoiced at the fact that Moonleaf was still open. It's been a while since I had legit milk tea. When I got there, I saw John (and I was chatting with him online in the morning!) and when I got off the car, Jim was there too! Maybe it was the longing for familiar faces, in a familiar setting. I was nearly in tears when I greeted them!

Maybe I'm just tired. I haven't had the chance to sleep in, I have a bazillion tv shows to catch up on, my best friend and I have a little over a week left until we go back to living in different time zones. Maybe I just want to go home early, sleep for more than 5 hours, and maybe spend time with people who matter a lot to me.

Maybe I'm just being a brat. Maybe I just want to go back to being a bum, at least for a week. Maybe I don't really give a fuck about not earning anything. Maybe I just miss being carefree. Maybe I'm just shocked at how my lifestyle has undergone a drastic change. After all, I'm not really very good at adjusting right away. On the outside, I think it seems y, but I'm good at hiding things like that.

Seriously though, I miss college. I miss the simplicity of it, and I do miss being home. I miss going to the Fine Arts Office to bother or be there for whoever's inside. I miss hanging out in the blueREP room, doing nothing and just watching tv shows even if we should be studying. I miss feeling the passion that only college theatre can bring.

I want my old life back. The real world is disgusting.

Starting Over… Again.

Updating this thing after more than a year, due to a friend's request. I must say, I'm quite flattered. Totally did not know someone liked looking into my thoughts.

I just finished reading all the entries in this blog. It's painful, to say the least. I read some things that do not make sense to me anymore, I read some things that made me thankful for where I am now, and I read forgotten promises to myself.

Where am I, what did I want to become, and what have I become since then?

It's not that I do not like where I am. Don't get me wrong on that one. I just feel that, honestly, I have been very giving. There were a lot of things that I let go of in college. I let a lot of opportunities pass because I found comfort in giving other people a chance. Thing is, I've been very giving, except to myself.

A lot has changed since I last let my mind find the right words for my heart. There are still SO MANY things I want to do for other people and for myself!!! I'm still young, but who knows how much time we all have left? Most importantly, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

There are too many questions and the answers are all incomprehensible. Maybe, I need to stop, think of where I am, and find ways to move forward instead of changing directions.

Reading blog entries of a college senior full of complaints, hoping to change the world, and sticking to her ideals, is something that kept me awake tonight, in spite of the early call time tomorrow/later. Am I done with wanting only the best for myself? Have I finally been welcomed into the big, bad world?