i will be a student.

i don't get why the freshmen are so stressed over their enlistment when all their subjects are pre-enlisted, save for PE. labo. i swear. ang labo. PE lang yan. hello, i remember taking soccer, then aerobics for PE in 1st year, then basketball and tai chi in 2nd year. puta, basketball and pauline don't mix. hindi talaga. tai chi was fun, in fairness. i mean, if it weren't so early in the morning i wouldn't hate it as much.

i saw a comment in some facebook album: ang galing, same time and venue pa rin yung english12 and lit14 classes natin. UHM! malamang! :))

oh, being a freshman.

5 semesters later...

it's magical how my philo class is still the same time and venue. HEH.

i've gone on to better things, better jobs (no bigger rings. single pa rin ako eh). so much has happened already and i can't really say i've become so much better, but i'll get there. wait lang.

oh, btw, my B in philo was highly unexpected. i love philo and the whole time i wasn't expecting anything above a C because usually that's how those subjects are. to think i had 5 cuts (but i sat in hoping to make up for them) and my repetitios were nasty. it's such a happy thought that i'm treated well by (some) things that i'm passionate about. thanks, sir jope!

this sem:

1. BRACE THYSELF means two different things: i imagine fr. dacanay telling me to brace myself because... well, he is a legend. i also imagine myself saying "brace thyself" to the world because i, in turn, will be a legendary student.

2. i plan to be a real student. last sem was a bitch, especially prod design. UHM, B?! what the hell. i should have been a basketball player or a celebrity. theatre history would have been an A but OH WELL. sayang. it wasn't such a nice feeling to get a 3.30 hahaha. oo iniyakan ko yan ng maganda. haha. FML = fuck/fix my life. game.

3. i will attend all my classes. i used to cut whenever i felt like cutting. there was a sem when i tallied my cuts, and by the end of the sem i saw that i haven't used all my cuts yet, so i spent 3 days cutting all my classes. BAD MOVE. BAD MOVE. however, with the roster of teachers this sem, i think cutting class will not be much of an issue. after all, my subjects seem fun. my weeks will begin with missy and end with fr. dacanay (or sir lionel. or rehearsal). tuesdays and thursdays will tap my creative juices all the more, beginning with tech theatre, then philo, then directing. i feel that come directing class, my style will be influenced by philosophy. HEH.

4. i shall spend only 300 pesos in a week for 3 weeks each month. meaning i shall live by the alicia silverstone line in clueless, "i'm not gonna eat today, i'm not gonna eat tomorrow" hahaha. i have to save my allowance for voice lessons, manicures, threading, haircuts, etc.

5. i shall go to the salon only when needed. only when needed means i'm depressed / i have a show / i'm meeting someone and i want to look good / i have time.

6. i will wake up early. I WILL WAKE UP AT 7:00AM EVERY MWF AND 8:00AM EVERY TTH. it doesn't matter if i ever have a hangover or i get home late. i shall also leave the house EXACTLY AN HOUR after waking up. that means, 30mins in the bathroom, 15 mins dressing up, 10mins of breakfast time and 5mins for brushing my teeth. if any of those take long, only the breakfast time shall be sacrificed. i can make a side trip before school to get foodage.

7. i will be an active bluerepper. i also intend to keep my position for the coming school year. i will do what i can to carry out all the plans that the core has made. i will work full-time on only one production, but will check on the progress of both productions because it's part of my job. stress will not be an issue. i shall master the art of grace under pressure.

lastly,

8. I SHALL GO TO THE LIBRARY AT LEAST ONCE. it's new eh. :D

draining.

right now, i don't know if the opportunities that i let go of are worth crying over. i don't even know if they're worth letting go of.

i also don't know if those that i grabbed are going to fly. were they worthy of my approval? or maybe the better question is, do i deserve them?

maybe i'm getting stupid, or maybe i'm thinking too much. i wouldn't know.

but then, like i said, it MIGHT be for the best. i have priorities. i thought it would be a priority too, but then when i thought about it further, hindi pala.

at the end of it all, we really would have our biggest regrets over the things we didn't do than by the ones we did. however, isn't not doing something also doing something? hahaha labo.

oh well. haha. is that all i can say? OH WELL? after all this, i'm just going to accept it? hay. ano ba, pauline. before, you said that you'll never become jaded. why does it feel that that's where you're headed?

i feel like i'm getting drained. it's like i'm running out of creative juices, the willingness to RESEARCH, the thirst to take in something new. like, even in selecting the season finale, i had such a hard time looking for material. there's LOADS of material out there. some are taken (tangina, btw), most don't have rights.

we finally landed on something, but i'm getting so many mixed reactions. it's so confusing, i don't even know if i should still listen! i swear, i've been getting texts from different people and sometimes i do try to avoid na lang. like yesterday, i just kept playing sims 3 and put my phone somewhere far so that i won't think about it anymore, at least for a while. but then there'd come a point for me to finally give up and read and understand. after all, it's part of my job. grabe, where's the BREAK? i thought i had 2 weeks off?

i just need to stop for a while. let me catch my breath.

hello, wall.

bilang parang wall nga ang kausap ko.

uhm! please, ang ayoko sa lahat, yung inefficient. pwede maging wild as long as work gets done. hindi pwedeng wild lang. ayoko ng inefficient. ayoko ng inefficient. do not give me bullshit.

PLEASE. PLEASE. pa ayos naman.

and i cannot stress enough that i'm really getting frustrated with all this shebang. as in, they did mean it when they said we have to have plan A, B, C, D and E. it can't be only A and B.

again, do not give me bullshit.

napapagod na ko. sobra.

bonfire? what bonfire? sembreak? what?

UHM...

1. i had acting class while the game was happening. we have 3 rehearsals only for a one-act play, and we were supposed to just quit it and be happy with our grades already but no. some people still wanted to do it. at hello sa "hindi ko gets. wala naman sa kanilang binaha." UHM. thank you.

2. the class was from 4:30-7pm. so hello, kamusta naman sa championship game. thank you.

3. there's a rock and rule show on saturday, 8pm. i also have to usher for spring awakening on saturday, from 12pm-10:30pm. hello. bonfire? bonfire? saan? for more, TA also has a show on saturday. ano yun, parehong walang audience? hello. where is the real troy bolton? please reconcile basketball and theatre. please.

4. the maquette is still due on friday next week. HELLO. what is, optional finals?

5. we still have a paper for theatre history.

6. i don't know how i'm doing in aesthetics, so i think i have to do that optional paper as well.

7. we had our last philo 101 class today. I DO NOT APPROVE. i want more. more. more. i really don't want philo to end yet.

8. my sembreak starts....... on the 22nd. WHAT THE HELL.

people are finishing their final papers, and i still have 4 requirements. ano ba. ano baaaaaaa baaa black sheep. hay!

for more, kapag nagpapaka-cryptic ako, kayo na bahala mag-decode, and you can do it on your own. i need space. i really do. i mean, thank you for talking to me about it, but i really want to do it and figure it out on my own. i swear, i'm thankful for the concern, but there are times when i really need to think about it by myself. okay lang ako guys. malaki na ko. malalaki na tayo.

too tired.

please. i'm tired of finding something that other people would just take away. finders keepers, diba? malinaw yun. o anong nangyari?

it's just wrong... so wrong.

much as i want to smile and say thank you, wag na. i don't want to waste my efforts.

and please, hindi ako plastic and i can't afford to be plastic. shit, however it's said, plastics are harmful. get away! get away!

can't we just, you know, be happy, exchange, give and receive? no stealing! that's bad! that's evil! that's disgusting.

tawa na lang ako. i mean, what else can i do? it's not like i'm going to get it back.

yes, i now have trust issues :D thank you.

oh and please, don't touch me when i'm mad. i need space. as in, not even a tap on the shoulder. you might get hurt. :D

so, where's pepeng?

i'm hoping he's a flaker.

a lot of relief centers refused volunteers today, ateneo included. everyone's preparing for pepeng. sayang, i wanted pa naman to volunteer today, before ushering for spring awakening, which also got cancelled tonight and tomorrow. i guess i'd have to go on sunday though. they cancelled at around 4pm already, so that didn't leave me time to get ready to go to voice lessons. i just stayed at home the whole day. so many could-have's.

i volunteered in ateneo again yesterday, but only from 7am-7pm. at around 10:30, geru came, so did felix. mindy, dindin and iya also came but they left early. there were only a few volunteers, maybe because of the uaap finals, or because of the pepeng threats. haha ang panget, pepeng threats! :)) i'm hoping it's just those 2 reasons. i don't want to think that volunteering's become a thing of the past.

we didn't get deployed. boring. haha. the first thing i did when i was alone was join an assembly line, and we filled a truck with 3000 bags which lasted almost 3 hours. there was a little boy (as in pre-school little) who joined us at the assembly line. helping out is his gift to his mom. :D then went with friends to the grocery shopping area. sayang because they ran out of noodles from time to time. there were soooo many canned goods in soooo many boxes, but that eventually ran out as well. so we carried boxes and opened boxes and stuff, then ended up giving away canned goods before lunching. there was another little boy who's also around 5 years old maybe. good job to him!

after lunch we went back to the grocery shopping area. boxes of noodles came (SWEET! hahahahaha. finally!) but were emptied really quickly. so we just did what we could - tie the finished bags. after a while this gay guy approached me, geru and felix and asked THEM to lift boxes. he was like... "hi, we need help from strong people to lift some boxes over there..."
to felix: you. you're strong.
to geru: well, you look strong.
to me: and you look... nice :|

then the same guy asked felix to count the bags being sent to one pile (one of the jobs we hated. math sucks!). then he huddled the people who were going to bring the bags to the pile and he was like, "okay, for this batch, give your bags to that tall, cute, muscular guy over there" HAHAHA. for more, he kept on ordering people, but he didn't even do manual work.deploy ko siya sa africa eh.

but yeah, for that day, i got a bit stressed at how, whenever i'm about to lift a heavy box (i want to find out how strong i am!), one of them would take the box from me. worse, felix told me to just gather the empty boxes. bleh. maybe that's why i still have so much energy today.

we ended at around 7pm, right before the mass. i liked the conversation over dinner. it was... sincere? i dunno. it's interesting to know that there are people you think you know, people you've known for more than a year, but there are still a bazillion things for you to find out. i also learned a lot. and i think there are still some things that i haven't figured out yet. hmm hmm.

i'm not sure about how i feel about... :D

pack this! pack everything!

on tuesday i insisted on going to ateneo for volunteer work. slept at 3am and woke up at 4, left the house at 5:30, brought my sister to work at 6, and got to ateneo at 6:30. i was mega hungry but starbucks was closed so i walked around school and took in the fresh air while waiting for 7am to come around.

at 7:15 we were given an orientation, by 7:20 we (the smurfs = ces, dindin, pauline. why the smurfs? just look at us!) loaded a truck with relief goods. it was such a huge truck, we filled it with 3000 bags of goods. then we loaded it with 3000 bags of rice. i got really stressed whenever a rice bag falls on the pavement or when the plastic has a hole. sayang all the rice that gets dropped. i swear, the truck just wasn't getting full and it took us 3 whole hours to load it. i can still remember how happy i was upon seeing it leave. one big barangay, check!

soon after, smurfs met up with oli, ryan and felix. oli and ryan were tasked for a while to help out in the department store. i didn't want to go clothes shopping because the rules were complex. seriously complex. as in, shop for a mom, dad, 2 little girls and 2 little boys. in fairness, i have to say those people in that area are doing such a great job! imagine having to sort entire outfits! considering sizes pa! i mean, if you pair huge skirt and a baby tee, good luck to whoever's going to wear that.

so we went to the grocery area (yes, i'm using my own terms) and helped pack goods. it was fun forming a line with 3 empty grocery bags then having it all filled up by the time you exit. it's like going trick or treating!! when we got tired of going around in circles, we decided to just tie the plastic bags that were filled and piled them up. we also met up with bym and iya and iya's friend karen (who reportedly hates thespians). at times we unloaded boxes from carts too! i mostly unloaded boxes of noodles, then some juice boxes. i saw boxes of canned food and attempted to unload those too, but i couldn't even lift them so i let the others do it. i'm not as strong as i thought i am. bleh.

there was a mass at lunch time, then we went to shakeys for lunch to celebrate bym's birthday :D happy birthday, bitch. geru came and we went back to ateneo.

later on in the afternoon, felix was laughing because a girl was so stressed, counting how many bags were being placed in a pile and making sure each pile only had 1000 bags. minutes later, felix became station manager (a title he refuses to accept) and counted up to 1000. counting to 1000 has never looked so hard!

more bluereppers came such as nikko and aye, then rony came! we worked again in the grocery area then took part in an assembly line and loaded a truck with food. we also loaded the truck with clothes and OMG THOSE BAGS FILLED WITH CLOTHES! some of them were super super heavy!

oh then we got deployed to san mateo. wow. had i known that's the way to san mateo, then i would have brought baby v then i'd go straight home na lang after the area visit. but i'd also miss a fun (and funny. and at times stressful and scary) car ride with geru, felix and rony. in the other car it was bibo, aye and nikko. we assembly lined again at the area and told jokes and played games while passing goods. whenever someone shouted HOLD! (to signal us to stop passing goods first) we had to do a high fashion pose with the relief goods bag. there were also minus points for dropped items. i only had minus 5 for dropping a can.

i got to ateneo at 6:30 am, left for san mateo at 7pm, and got back to ateneo at 10:30pm. worked for a total of 15 hours. not bad for a first day. it was a 15-hour arm workout for someone like me who doesn't even work out!

woke up today feeling sick and with sore muscles in the arms and legs. didn't do any volunteer work today, but i swear, i'll work even longer tomorrow/in a few hours. it's a great feeling to be able to help even in such a small way as being in a relief operations center because i get to bond with friends while making a difference. like, even while working, we can sing happy working songs and tell each other stories or play little games (such as spotting pa-cute guys who are just roaming around the area. i only had 4 points. boo me).

i find it quite comforting to see people working together and really being men and women for others. aye even told me that there were grade school kids who donated their piggy banks for the typhoon victims. i like how something good is coming from this whole tragedy. our generation is not apathetic after all! we didn't have a world war, or vietnam, or martial law, but we had ondoy and it definitely brought change.

i have less than an hour to sleep before heading off to ateneo again. i'm excited!