two words: GROW UP.

you know the feeling when there's so much going on inside your head that you want to just sit down and write them all down but you can't? and when you already have the time to sit down and write, you go through so much trouble trying to recall all the things you wanted to write. and then you get back up again, leaving your journal BLANK.

I HATE THAT!

i liked our philo discussion last week. we talked about how logos is not meron, but they are the same as well. i also liked how it affirmed my belief in words. like sir jope said "kung nagtatapon ka ng salita, sinasayang mo yung potential ng logos". it only proves how much power words have and how words have stories behind them (as in etymologies, especially). he also drew the chinese character of the word "forget", the upper part being to flee/to die, while the lower part is the character for the heart/mind. meaning, for the chinese, to forget is when the heart dies. i guess that's why i always look forward to philo - when i learn something, i don't just store it somewhere. it lingers in my head before moving on to the storage bin.

went to the Tick Tick Boom run last thursday after philo and it was kind of okay, but then we used the minus ones so it wasn't as nice as it could have been. oh well, as long as there's rehearsal. i guess there's been much more improvement now compared to that run. but i hope they keep getting better. the clock is ticking for all of us! we're opening soon and we all have no choice but to keep getting better. their performance during rehearsals can't fluctuate.

one thing that kind of ticked me off last week was insecurity. i mean, i'm also insecure, but i don't dwell on it. i just accept it, work around it and move on. nakakaloka that it's STILL there now that we're almost opening. we're all here for a reason. we're all here because we know that we can do something that others can't. we're here because we can, because we're committed, we're talented, because we know that we can go beyond what we think we can do. i became MD because i trust those people who taught me (and who continue to teach me) things i need to know. it's useless to have people who believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. i'm just paying it forward.

we're opening in a week, and we had a semi-TDR tonight. i hope the cast gets comfortable already. they're adjusting to the new space, with actual props (oxymoron?) this time, having a band to rehearse with, the works. they've already gone past the excellent mark and i hope they keep getting better.

spending my time this way.

today i did something i've never done before. it feels funny. on the way home, i was in the road near UP, basta the one going to ayala heights, and it's like 5 lanes which merge into one lane. so a lot of people are aggravated and making singit all over. it was my turn na to go to the single lane then this asshole driver didn't want to let me pass. he opened his window and waved at me. it was my first time ever to say fuck you and raise my middle finger to a person driving another car. i dunno. the gesture has become a reflex lately (like when my friends say something weird, i raise my middle finger instead of saying "gago" or something. i know, i know, i have to stop it asap). the guy on the other car laughed. he kind of had this look that showed like he knows me, or maybe i know him from somewhere, but i couldn't really tell. anyway, he smiled and let me pass. i got humbled so i wanted to do something to say thank you. i got my permanent pen and got paper, then wrote THANKS! and put a smiley under it. then i opened my window and showed it to the car behind mine. oh, pauline.

ANYWAY

i haven't blogged in a while because of my workload. rehearsals have been ending quite late already since we're opening pretty soon. been having different theatre people watch the runs so that we can get as much feedback as we can before presenting the show to our audience.

i just have to let this out: OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD! haha, so far i've gotten compliments from REAL musical directors. i've been given lots of advice too. i'm learning SO MUCH i swear. meaning, it's good that i followed kang. he's right when he said i'll learn a lot from the experience.

we had a workshop activity before today's run. it was quite heavy, but very humbling. it's a good feeling to be vulnerable too sometimes. and i discovered so many things. i realized, even if i'm with these people everyday, i don't fully know them yet. i mean, i could even be just scratching the surface. we're so caught up with getting work done that we hardly get to know the people we're working with. i guess it's a good thing that even if we weren't ready to open up, we had no choice but to do so because everyone had a turn.

maybe the emotional baggage that was revealed to me during the activity was something i carried until after the run (and even until now). i had a deeper understanding of jon's monologue before "why", and i also had a deeper understanding of the song. it made me think of where i am now, if what i'm doing is something that i'd really want to do for the rest of my life, and if i'm going to succeed if i hold on to this. i know, unlike jon, 30 is still 9 and half years away for me. but then i kind of could relate to him, because that's kind of how i felt too before i turned 20. i mean, no friends dying and no attempts at getting a job at corporate america. but like, i also had thoughts of where i am, where i want to be, and if i'm going to stick to it til i reap in the rewards if i become successful.

i was really scared to turn a year older because i didn't want to "grow up". but then when it came, i just had to accept it. i had no choice but to accept it. looking back, it's not as hard as it looks. it's all a matter of acceptance and of commitment.

we open in 2 and a half weeks. i'm hoping lots of people would make time to see the show and i hope that we get to send our message across.

while i'm not yet 30, i guess i still have time to ask,

am i cut out to spend my time this way?

http://rapidshare.com/files/255385872/Desktop.zip.html

day off! day off! day off!

since monday last week, i haven't had a rest day. so i guess it's three weeks of pauline and work mode. i'm working non-stop, without any rest days from june 29-july 17. WELL, that's hoping i won't be needed (or i won't feel the need) to go to rehearsal on the 18th. or maybe observe the rehearsals of the newbies.

OH GOD. I NEED A BREAK! i want at least one day to rest and be non-productive. or like get a massage. please? please? there's so much to do!

and yes, i feel the sickness coming back. coughing again, plus headache. this isn't such a good sign.

the bohemian life.

lundagin mo, beybe!

so the popular atenean saying goes. haha. and oh, LUNDAG, i did many times today!

i went to the ccp main theatre for a field trip for prod design. it felt awesome! i was thinking twice pa about going because i felt na i might get too tired by the time i reach rcbc. but then when i was there, i had no regrets. it kind of felt like that moment when autumn hurlbert and bailey hanks entered the palace theatre. haha. i saw people rehearsing, all those pulleys, went on stage, etc.

the guy who showed us around took us to the catwalk thing which was so high up. it's like, the place where they fix the lighting equipment, which is like, 60 feet high. we all wondered how it felt to be positioned up there, and since most of us have/had philo 101, we all decided to live by the mantra of fr. ferriols: LUNDAGIN MO, BEYBE! so we went, experienced, and felt it. FREAKY to be so high up! felt great after though.

then we went to the production design building, which i believe is made of win. i love their scene shop where they construct everything, the costume room, all those things. i envy how they have that whole complex dedicated to the arts. HELLO, in school, there's hardly any place for theatre. we have 3 college theatre groups who share one venue that doesn't even pass for a theatre. hay. why so stingy?

bj, rina and john dropped me off an mrt station because i had to go to rcbc for spelling bee. i was the lone bluerepper with 3 TA people, and it felt nice, sharing ideas, systems, etc.

i had lots of time to spare so i decided that maybe i could walk from the mrt station to rcbc. it was straight lang pala, so yeah, i walked. in philo terms "dinanas ko ang pagka-sidewalk ng sidewalk"... i just walked and walked and walked trusting my instincts that i'll get to my destination at some point. i took in everything i saw and just walked like makati is such a huge playground. i saw the cars at my side and i thought, they just stay on the road and pass things by. i was having a better experience than them because i had my own pace, took a good look at everything i saw, observed people and the environment in general.

when i got to rcbc, i didn't feel tired at all. there was an overwhelming feeling of jubilation because i thought of walking, i did it, and though i was having thoughts of getting a cab or something, i ditched all those thoughts and committed to what i really wanted to do. i did not FLAKE. so when i got to my destination, i was just very thankful.

i went to starbucks and studied for philo, but i also thought of writing realizations about my own experiences on paper. the ccp experience, the walking adventure, both seem so simple, but i feel much richer in experience because i know that i was crazy enough to entertain those thoughts. i felt like such a daredevil! :D it felt GREAT!

spelling bee opened tonight and it seems like a great run again. i'm glad to see people going out real happy. i hope they learned as much as i did.

oh, and my homework for theatre history is DONE! thanks, teacher chari!

at first it seemed like such a long day, but i took time to experience it, and it was well worth the effort. i even have lots of energy to spare!

thank you, god!