I woke up to all these tweets about thanksgiving, heard people talking about going home early to catch thanksgiving dinner, and saw sunny smiles throughout the day, celebrating a holiday that isn't even ours.
It's a good thing to celebrate though, taking an entire day to think about everything that we should be thankful for. With the way my life is going (maybe all too fast), it was hard to stop and think of something I am thankful for, apart from my family and my friends, of course. Other than that, I tried searching, but I didn't really find anything to dedicate thanksgiving to.
Honestly, it was a bad day. I didn't want to go out and talk to anyone because I know that every waking moment means that I have to work. God knows how desperate I am for a break. People tell me to be thankful because I have work, and it means that people trust me because I have work. However, I can only do so much, and there is such a thing as too much. Heck, I'm only 22! I know I won't grow any taller, but I need my sleep just as much as the next person! Sometimes I try to play with my dog when I get home, and he doesn't even mind me anymore because I just go home to get as much sleep as I can. Point is, I'M SO TIRED. Why should I be thankful for this, when I don't even know if it's worth it?
While the show was running, I finally let my guard down. I felt that there was nothing to be thankful for because things just aren't going my way. I'm doing things just because they have to be done, not because I want them. There are so many people looking for me and talking to me and I just want to disappear because FUCK THEM ALL, I AM NOT THEIRS! I did not spend the last 19 years in school just to do this! It might be just the first step, but HELLO, if my diploma could talk, I'm sure it would ask me so many questions.
I want to be able to exhale again. Or maybe to stop breathing.
Little did I know that all I had to do was make a phone call when I was at my worst. In 10 minutes or so, I finally stopped crying and broke into a smile. That's when I realized: I am thankful for someone who knows when I need comfort. I am thankful for someone who knows what to say when I'm being irrational. I am thankful for a friend who gives me a reason to hold on, because she's been there and has sacrificed a lot of things as well. I am thankful for the one who makes me smile not because I have to, but because I want to.
I am thankful that it wasn't too late to celebrate Thanksgiving, because I found something to be thankful for, just as the day was about to end.
It may have been a good day after all. I could only hope that tomorrow would bring better things.
